Dedicated to my siblings. Because they are still young and single. And ready to mingle.

#1. Must be spiritually stronger.
Who wouldn’t want to marry someone above reproach, faithful, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. Someone who spurs you on toward a greater passion for the Word and for prayer by their daily and joyful faithfulness to both. Someone whose deep loving kindness covers over the multitude of your sins and whose readiness to sacrifice anything that hinders their relationship with God leads you to do the same.

Increasingly striking as time goes by are the seasons, the cadenced ebb and flow, that impinge upon all that comprises life. And your relationship with your Savior is not unaffected. You might be “doing really well” one year, yet finding it “a freaking struggle” the next. Don’t put your faith in the fact that someone does this or that discipline more frequently than you do. The outward manifestations can and do change. You look for someone who has a committed relationship to God. Someone who desires to grow, and makes efforts toward growth. Someone who has something to lose if it turned out tomorrow that there was no Christ. The term “spiritually stronger” is frequently misleading. Be wary of making snap judgments and dismissive comparisons.

“This life, therefore, is not righteousness but growth in righteousness, not health but healing, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not yet what we shall be but we are growing toward it. The process is not yet finished but it is going on. This is not the end but it is the road. All does not yet gleam in glory but all is being purified.” – Martin Luther

#2. Must be smarter.
Because this one factor alone decimates the pool. On a more serious note, at the root of wanting someone empirically more intelligent can be the defiant attitude of, “Are you xyz enough for me to respect.” In America respect tends to need be earned. In most Asian countries it is owed. I’m increasingly persuaded by the sense in the latter. God didn’t qualify the husbands who ought be submitted to with a “if they deserve it”. Nor were the wives to be loved and not harshly treated necessarily of the “never-exasperating-nor-nagging” persuasion. God’s command is ever reason enough. Moving on.

I have a friend who dated a guy who was definitely slower than she was. Have to admit it made me a little sad and on more than one occasion I asked her if she was really okay with it. To my disbelief she was. And they got married. And they are both incredibly happy. And I’m not SAYING that what he lacks in brains he makes up for in heart, but sometimes that’s the way it seems to work. For some intelligence is a big deal, for some it’s not. Enter the subjective language of “getting” each other; that should be a given. In the end it’s mostly a biological advantage, like good eyesight, and there are a number of other traits that ought to trump it (insert fruit of the spirit here).

#3. Must be at least/most x years older/younger.
There are very mature people who are younger than you and very immature people who are older than you. I know you know this. It helps if you’re in the same life stage (both in college, both young adults, &c) but as many a Korean drama can attest, difference in age itself will most likely not be your biggest obstacle. I’m not talking ten or fifteen years. But five? Six? As long as they’re not underage. Just be open and willing to try it out. Honestly you should be okay to go out with almost any Christian (within reason) on at least one date. And then you can politely decline the next date, and that person will be able to move on without being plagued by the what-ifs and could’ve-beens. Who knows you just might be pleasantly surprised.

#4. Must be on same page for # of kids and wedding date.
People change. People also die, before you can ever get married or have kids. Just because you say you want four kids doesn’t mean you will physically be able to produce four kids even if you try. Infertility, miscarriage, SIDS, kidnapping, drunk drivers, incurable diseases, natural disaster: the list goes on. Who are we to presume. Someone who wants to get married one day and is interested in procreating is enough.

#5. Must be really really good looking. Or tall.
The conclusion I’ve come to is that even hot celebrity couples can produce ugly children, and there are plenty of cute kids that have ugly parents. If physical appearance is the only thing that’s keeping you from being attracted to someone (everything else lines up) then you have some soul searching to do. It is not easy to find someone with the character qualities you want in a spouse, and the outer stuff all fades anyway.

Plus if they hadn’t any redeeming value evolution would’ve wiped out all the short and ugly people by now. Kidding. They always say you need to be attracted, but what they don’t announce as often is that someone subjectively unattractive can become subjectively super attractive. Let beauty on the inside be what sweeps you off your feet.

#6. Must be financially stable.
It’s nice if they are. But just because they’re making lots of money today doesn’t mean they’ll be making lots tomorrow. You’re in it for the long haul, through thick and thin. I know there are some people who refuse to date anyone who isn’t a doctor or dentist, and then end up marrying one and live exceedingly comfortably. Good for them but I’m pretty sure that’s not a top priority for you either. Worst comes to worst you end up in a homeless shelter. Or back in New Hampshire. No one dies of starvation in America.

#7. Must be perfect.
It’s hard to accept that God would want me to be with someone who hurts me and disappoints me. It’s hard to accept that God would want me to be with someone who struggles with patience or gentleness or faithfulness or love. It’s hard to accept because my world revolves around me and my happiness. When I’m on my own, it’s easy enough to be “content” or think I’m “loving” or “giving.” People are kept at an arm’s length, and at the end of the day, my time is mine to do with as I please.

Being in a relationship kills me. Truly loving another requires a dying to oneself, and it’s the resistance to the dying that eats away at the soul. If nothing else, the merit of being with someone is in being forced to acknowledge, if you are willing to open your eyes, that you are not the end all be all after all. And that there is no end to the ways in which you were once quite happily and obliviously self-centered and lacking in love. If someone were “perfect” in terms of never creating conflict, then maybe we wouldn’t ever be confronted by our sinfulness. By our bitterness. By our hardheartedness.

But where more sin is revealed there is more to forgive. I think it’s in the forgiving and the commitment to keep loving through the ups and downs that we truly experience and discover the depths of grace and love. And we need that which points to the relationship between Christ and the church because we don’t get it on our own. Knowing our faults, knowing our wayward and wandering hearts, still he chose us. What is temporary pain compared to seeing more of his heart, and drawing all the closer to him? Get ready to have your world rocked.

It’s a battle not a picnic. Find someone who wants to fight the good fight with you.