Buddhist Wedding Vows

The purpose of this blog entry is threefold: 1) To offer a resource for any fellow Buddhists who might be looking for help with their vows. 2) To have them in a place easily accessible for us whenever we want to take a little stroll down memory lane, and 3) To share with any of our friends or family who, whether they were there or not, might be interested in what was said on that auspicious day! : )

It was a little bit challenging to find appropriate wedding vows when Rob and I got married. I googled "Buddhist Wedding Vows" and didn't come up with anything we could use. Partly because what I did come up with was too steeped in a culture that we knew nothing about, or too archaic. In Buddhist philosophy, "marriage" is considered a personal matter, best handled by each individual or community. It's a secular institution. As such, each culture will have their own type of marriage ritual or ceremony. For a Westerner, none of these seemed quite right. Buddha believed that love was the way, sexuality was healthy and natural, and one should cultivate the former, and not abuse the latter. But that's about all he spoke on the matter. He didn't condemn marriage, but did point out that it comes with it's own set of problems due to the attachment factor. He understood, however, that lay people will have a desire for special rituals or blessings upon their union, and so Buddhist monks will bless a union if asked. As far as the ceremony itself - you're kind of on your own!

So what's a Western Buddhist who wants to get married to do? Write our own vows! Below is what I came up with. A combination of my own words, the words of Buddha himself, some of my favorite teachers and writers, including Steve Hagen and Joseph Goldstein, and with some edits and the final approval of Rob. The beautiful "Rose Analogy" (2 paragraphs) is from Steve Hagan's Buddhism Plain and Simple, and parts of the "Love and Attachment" paragraph is from a wonderful book called One Dharma by Joseph Goldstein. The vows themselves are prefaced by a brief history of Buddhism and some of it's basic precepts so that non-Buddhists would have a little bit of background - read on if interested! (it's a bit "lengthy").

Rob and Eline would like to share some thoughts and reflections that have guided them in their individual lives and have also, ultimately, guided them toward each other.


We’ll start with a story:

About 2500 years ago, in a village in Northern India, a young prince forsook his wife and small child, as well as the throne that would eventually be his. He snuck out of the royal gates disguised as a beggar, dressed only in rags. You see, he had been sheltered from the uncomfortable realities of life until one day the young prince was allowed out of the family compound to meet those who would become his subjects. The sights that he saw on that day troubled him greatly. He saw people begging for food, people who were ill, people who were old and suffering. “What was the point of human life?” he asked, “if it was so transient, so uncertain, and so filled with hardship?” The question haunted him until he could no longer enjoy the passing pleasures of his life of luxury. He decided to set out on a quest in an attempt to gain insight into the nature of the human condition, and to see if there was a way to extricate himself from a life that would surely end in suffering, even if it hadn’t begun that way. For six years he wandered the valley of the Ganges River, learning the various systems and practices of the great religious teachers of his day. He found nothing in these teachings and practices that satisfied him, nothing that dispelled the deep sorrow that filled his heart and mind. So he left the teachers and went his own way. He eventually came to rest under a fig tree. Here he stayed for several days, deep in meditation, until finally one evening, he touched his hand to the earth. In that moment, he attained complete enlightenment. He understood the nature of reality and impermanence, the causes of human suffering, and the solution.

The word "Buddha" means "awakened one", and from that day forward, he became known simply as “The Buddha”. He never considered himself to be anything other than a human being – only someone who was fully awake. A Buddha is not someone you pray to, or ask things of, or bow down to. A Buddha is simply a person who is awake – nothing more or less.

For the next 45 years he taught the way of enlightenment to men and women, nobles and peasants, the moral and the base, without making the slightest distinction among them. He taught that we all, each and every one of us, can be Buddha.

His first sermon was given at a Deer Park, and the words he spoke became known as the dharma. It was here that he first discussed the four noble truths and the path to enlightenment.

Very simply put, the First Noble Truth is that life can be difficult. There is much hardship and suffering in the course of a human lifetime, from the simple, everyday disappointments in life, to the loss of loved ones. The second Noble Truth is that much of this suffering is caused by our own delusions and attachment. We have preconceived ideas of the way things should be, but we don’t always see the way things truly are. Problems arise because of our attachment to our preconceived ideas. Attachment to things that ultimately change, cease to be, or were never quite the way we supposed them to be at all. Problems also arise from our own craving. Craving external things, both tangible and emotional, that we mistakenly believe will bring us lasting happiness. The Third Noble Truth is that the possibility of liberation from suffering exists for everyone. In the Fourth Noble Truth, Buddha explains that the way to realize this liberation is to follow the 8-fold path, which includes living a compassionate life of virtue, wisdom and meditation. But most importantly, the Buddha implored his students to open their eyes. To be present in each moment and to see clearly that which “is”.

The Buddha repeatedly emphasized the impossibility of ever arriving at Truth by giving up our own authority and following the lights of others. He taught that we each carry within ourselves the light and wisdom with which to see truth. Truth or Reality is not something vague, mysterious, or hidden. You don’t have to go to someone else to find it – not to a teacher, or a Buddha, or your parents, or a priest or rabbi, or any other authority whatsoever. Nor is it something you can look up in a book. Truth comes to us through seeing clearly, from experiencing life with an unfettered mind.

Buddha didn’t teach his students right from wrong. Instead, he taught that we can know for ourselves that certain things are unwholesome and wrong. And when we do, then give them up. "But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."

One of the most important reflections in Buddhism is that of "Impermanence". Pick up a flower, a beautiful, living, fresh rose. It smells wonderful. It reveals a lovely rhythm in the swirl of its petals, a rich yet dazzling color, a soft velvety texture. It moves and delights us. The problem with the rose is that it dies. Its petals fall; it shrivels up; it turns brown and returns to the earth. One solution to this problem is to ignore the real rose and substitute a plastic one, one that never dies. But is a plastic rose what we want? No, of course not. We want the real rose. We want the one that dies. We want it because it dies, because it’s fleeting, because it fades. It’s this very quality that makes it precious.

Like the rose, our bodies and minds are fleeting. In fact, everything in our experience – our bodies, our minds, our thoughts, our wants and needs, our relationships – is fleeting. Changing. Everything we look at, including ourselves and every aspect of our lives, is nothing but change. This impermanence, this constant arising and fading away, are the very things that make our lives vibrant, wonderful, and alive. Yet we usually want to keep things from changing. We want to preserve things, to hold onto them. This desire to hold on, to somehow stop change in its tracks, is the greatest source of trouble in our lives.

So how do we cultivate and practice the truth of impermanence while also beginning a marriage? One that we hope will last a lifetime? The two ideas might at first seem incongruous. But this ceremony between Rob and Eline to announce among friends and family their intention to share their lives with each other....this is exactly where the beauty of love and compassion can really shine, despite the reality of impermanence. In fact, love and compassion can shine even more brightly because of it.

In this type of committed relationship, we can at last begin to experience the difference between love and attachment. Love is a generosity of the heart that simply wishes for the happiness of others; attachment, by contrast, is a contraction of the heart, born of desire, resulting in clinging and fear of loss. Reflecting on the inevitable changes within ourselves and our relationships reorients us toward care and loving kindness rather than attachment, letting go rather than clinging. In these moments of non-grasping we can assess and then actually understand what is truly of value in our lives. Each other. A relationship is at its healthiest when there is no "attachment", just love and compassion and being together with the knowledge that each day is a gift. Each moment; precious.

Love is not offered with the expectation of getting something in return. Love is offered from a place of compassion and understanding. Love doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be honest. This kind of love occurs when we can be as happy alone, as we are with another, for love does not really "complete" us. We are each as complete as we need to be, as individuals. The gift that you bring to your marriage is the gift of yourselves – happy, whole, and emotionally healthy.

Please join us in a prayer to offer loving kindness:

May all beings be happy, content, and fulfilled.

May all beings be healed and whole.

May all have whatever they want and need.

May all be protected from harm, and free from fear.

May all beings enjoy inner peace and ease.

May all beings be awakened, liberated, and free.

May there be peace in this world, and throughout the entire universe.

Vows:

Do you, Rob and Eline, promise to share with each other your joy and happiness, as well as your sorrows and disappointments, to be friend and companion, as well as a source of comfort and support to each other? To stay in the moment, to quickly let go of any trifling grievances, and to celebrate and honor the love you have for each other?

We Do!


Will you, Rob and Eline, promise to remember that, as all things must necessarily change, so must you. And to love each other with the knowledge of that understanding, not with fear or trepidation, but with joy in your hearts, to always accept and celebrate each other as you are, for all of your life together?

We Do!


Do you, Rob and Eline, promise to do your best to live in harmony with one another, to practice compassion and loving kindness, not just toward each other, but toward all sentient beings?


We Do!

Jacob, will you please stand?

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Some are formed through biological means, some through adoption, still others are created through marriage. The important thing to realize is that, no matter how a family comes into being, it is a sacred and safe refuge. As you enter into this newly formed family, it is important to honor and respect each other. To always be there for each other, to be open and honest with each other, to love each other and to enjoy life together. Do you - Rob, Eline and Jacob, promise to always do your best to uphold this family vow?

We do!

Jacob, may I have the rings? (magic hat trick!!)

Rob, please place this ring on Eline’s finger. Eline, please place this ring on Rob’s finger.

The rings are placed on the heart-side of the body. They are a visible token of what cannot necessarily be seen inside your hearts. These rings will be a symbol and a reminder of the words spoken here today and the vows that you have made to each other.

It is with great pleasure, that we now pronounce you, Rob and Eline, as husband and wife!