A Raft In the Ocean

In this post I will be integrating a few things. A lot has been going on in the past week, all good. I have been working through the Caroline Myss Sacred Contracts book, which I would recommend. It is a lot of work and I feel worth it. It is providing me a perspective on my life that is helping me to unfold many aspects of my life and experiences.

According to Caroline Myss, we all have four "core" archetypes, and then we choose eight others that are unique to ourselves. The four archetypes are:

• Child: Guardian of Innocence (do we work from the Wounded / Orphan Child or the Wonder Child?)
  
• Prostitute: Guardian of Faith (when do we "sell" ourselves for the sake of our survival?)
  
• Saboteur: Guardian of Choice (do we fear taking responsibility or fear change, or do we move forward with courage and follow our intuition?)
  
• Victim: Guardian of Self Esteem (do we work from our own strength and personal power?)
  

For me, I could see how "victim hood" has been teaching me lessons, as well the Wounded Child. It is always tempting to work in The Light, and yet we need the Shadow to explore what the Light is not (in Neale Donald Walsh's terms). Shadow is not evil, it is unexplored, unknown. It shows up as evil when it is misguided and mischievous. Without the Shadow, we would not have choice.

Last Thursday, I had a healing session with Joy Adler and it was a wonderful experience. At the beginning of the session, I shared with her a little bit of what is going on for me. I have always felt like I was two people: one part of me has the capacity to love and give to others and the other part has a deep wound that I want to heal. I told her that I am ready to amp up the giving and let go of the "wound".

We are expressive beings - it is our true nature. If we are rejected, punished, shunned or chastised in any way for our direct expression of ourselves, we will resort to indirect ways - using mischief, manipulation, denial - to get what we want and need. I know for me that I forgot what it was like to be direct and authentic. Maturity is when we balance our own needs with the needs of others. Children learn this over time as they mature. What interrupts this natural evolution is when we get side tracked by mischief. We become hypersensitive to criticism, rejection, punishment, and shunning. I learned to be the Wounded Child.

Because the original need is not met, we keep going back to the same patterns of behavior. It becomes like a pearl that the oyster keeps putting layer after layer over the original grain of sand. And, there is a beauty in the process. We wouldn't have the ability to create these protections if they were not needed. The beauty is in the learning, balancing the Light and the Shadow. This is how we learn choice.

During the session, I willingly went to my core and felt a deep despair, but not what I expected. I anticipated meeting the Wounded Child. Instead, I felt the impact of the Saboteur, the Guardian of Choice. Over the course of about 15 seconds, I felt the collective pain of every time in my life I sabotaged myself and held myself back from expressing my soul. There is a deep longing there.

What's "up" for me now is asking the question to my inner guidance - what is next. Okay, I did the March intensive where I attended an energy workshop every weekend. I am taking some steps positive steps with this energy work. Is this really my next step? I am feeling ambivalence, it is and is it? Is this what I am to commit to the rest of my days? Do I sign up for a four year program, is my commitment that strong?

When I was a senior in high school, I decided that I would get a PhD. In my mind and in my heart, it was a done deal and was very comforting in many ways. It was a certainty that I could anchor to, and I did the impossible to attain this goal. When I made this decision I had $40 to my name and no clue how to do it. For the next fifteen years, I held the intention and the path unfolded in front of me. I am searching for that same certainty of choice, the enduring quality and comfort to know that I am on the right path and just need to make it happen.

Last summer, Jill (an intuitive reader who follows this blog) described to me an image of me alone on a small raft in the middle of the ocean. Joy described the exact same image last Thursday. Interesting coincidence, and it is how I feel. Years ago, I learned to trust my conviction. This time, I am simply learning to trust. Do not sabotage, let go of the victim, be aware of choices where I am confronted with survival issues, and be with the Wonder Child, not the Wounded Child. Just be. It has always been my nature to be in action.

I keep taking a deep breath and recenter myself in the moment when I feel myself on the raft. My "job" right now is to do nothing and sit my butt in the raft and be. It is still a blow to my ego to not be in motion, productive and fulfilling the work ethic (which signals to me I am still working on this). In the movie "Peaceful Warrior", Dan tells Socrates that he is not ready to give up on his training and he walks out. Socrates assumes that he is talking about gymnastics, but he looks up to see Dan walk over to the abandoned car to "just sit and be". Dan is determined and committed to learn the lessons of the Peaceful Warrior.

Today is Easter Sunday, a day of resurrection and rebirth. It is a day of new beginnings and the freshness of a new experience. I hope you are also experiencing the possibilities of the stillness, which is where our rebirth emanates from.

With much gratitude for this process and the unfolding. Happy Easter!
Love, Mj XOXO