"Hey, that billboard stayed the same!" --Mark, mistaking a train for a billboard and being confused
"That's a federal offense in some states." --Me, on kicking the bowling ball return
"Some people use their car as a means to overcompensate for lacking in, shall we say, other areas. I, myself, don't even have a car." --Me
"It's hard to look bad ass when you're wearing a turtleneck." --Me, on John McClane's shirt, watching Die Hard 2
"I don't have the balls to be a 1." --Jeff F, rejecting numerology
"Oooh, the bigger kid's scared of the little toy!" --My brother, making fun of Mark's fear of Charlie McCarthy
"That dummy's way too small to pick up an ax!" --Mark, putting our fears to rest
"I have a hankering to watch You've Got Mail... a Tom Hank-ering!" --Cara
"I'm still undefeated against death." --Mark
"I'm going to kill that lady in the front. Well, not really, I don't want to get sued, but, chances are she's going to get a punch in the head." --Mark, about the lady at the bowling alley who yelled at him for using one of the light balls
"A Cajun McNothing." --Mark, when Jeff's sister asked what we brought her for lunch
"Economics is the nun's buns." --Chris
"Now these are some romantic paintings!" --Scott M., looking at paintings of naked women
"Is my buddy still over? That asshole! He's probably eating my Arby's!" --Scott M.
"Whoever built this is a genius! Eeeeeeee!" --Andy B. at the Iwo Jima Memorial
"The stakes are high!" --A guy at the MADD office, upon seeing a big pile of wooden stakes
"Daaaaaaaang!" --Moochie Bojangles
"This guy I know, one time, he killed somebody!" --Moochie Bojangles
"Never fry bacon when you're naked." --Mike L
"Man who stands on toilet, high on pot." --Mike L
"Should I write you a check for ten freaking cents?" --Mike L
"Don't flick anybody off, because guns go faster than cars do." --Joe, when we were lost in the city
"So, how 'bout those Sabres?" --Jeff F, whenever there is a lull in the coversation
"Time to hit it or quit it." --Jeff F, whenever it's time to leave
"It's called under age drinking, Tom!" --Pam
"That is the greatest movie ever!" --Mark, about many different movies
"You're a few Froot Loops short of a Toucan Sam." -- Mark
"I'd pick Tom, so I could shine a light off his forehead and attract boats." --Jimmy, on which A-Team member he'd like to be stuck on a desert island with
"I'm going to have to take out a mortgage just to pay for my comic books!" --Mike C
"It was lonely at the top, so I decided to work my way back down." --Me, on squandering my lead in bowling
"Remember Nickelodeon Gack? That stuff smelled so bad, but it probably tasted like poop." --An observation by Mark
"Okay, smile and pretend like it's good." --My brother to my mom, taking her picture after she just opened a Christmas present
"It's a Christmas tradition... Gramma gets loaded!" --My dad as Gramma was loading her camera
"Chocolate and I are like freaking sisters." --My sister expressing her love of chocolate
"Do y'all have the same sun as us?" --The blonde lifeguard in Atlanta, inquiring as to if Rochester and Atlanta share the same sun
"All right, listen up you jokers..." --The blonde lifeguard to me and my cousin, and then she didn't say anything after that
"This is another song about that same bitch." --The band that openend for 3 Doors Down at Waterstreet, who had a lot of songs about the same bitch
"Doesn't she look like Britney Spears? From far away?" --JJO, about Helen Hunt
"Hey, it's Helen Hunt." --Cara, about Britney Spears
"Orange. I don't even know why that's a color." --Mark, on his dislike of the color orange
"Remind me to subscribe to this magazine... when I turn 40. And a woman." --Mark, on More magazine
"She just remembered that she's homosexual." --Mark, during a key moment in Mullholland Drive
"That was the clearest it's ever been." --Mark, on the color of his urine
"Would YOU drink water that came from this place?" --Josh, to Justin, when asked why he didn't get a glass of water at Nick Tahou's
"Now I'm gonna get, like... broomenilla or something." --Val, when she got a sliver in her finger from the broom
"Pretty good turnout for a Sunday." --Val, making an interesting observation at church
"I bet somebody is probably working on it." --Val, on the possibility of Santa being real
"Have you ever heard the phrase, don't throw glasses in a rock house?" --Jeff F
"I'm sorry, we can't mix foods like that." --Jeff F, when someone at Tahou's wanted cheese on their hotdog
"I see your point, I just... don't care." --Me, to Val
"I don't have any money to pay the cable bill! Well, I have $19, but I'm saving that for the Sentinel!"--Mike C on his financial priorities
"Mike, one day you're going to wake up and go, 'What the f*** am I doing with all this s***?!?!'" --Jeff G., in regards to Mike C's Heroclix collection
"I'm way past that point." --Mike C, in reply to the previous quote
"Are you guys gonna get galactic?" --Nick, asking if we were going to play Heroclix
"You can't brush your teeth AND use mouthwash! That's like crossing streams in Ghostbusters!" --Mark
"You mean it didn't have ice cream or a banana in it?" --Jeff C, when Megan said the banana split was not what she expected"It was probably some hot girl calling to profess her love to me, but now she'll change her mind." --Me, when an unknown female had apparently called while I was out
"This morning when I awoke, I began to cry, for my dream would come true that night." --My brother, the night of the David Copperfield show
"I think I'm going through my crisis right now. Maybe mid-life will mellow me out." --Mike C
"The Others is like freaking the Great Muppet Caper when compared to The Ring!" --Val
"I'm going to wear a t-shirt that says, 'Good-Bye 21st Century, Hello Death.'" --Mark, on getting old
"You have to crack an omelet to make an egg." --Prof. Hughson, Drawing I
"Why should class be drudgery, when, indeed, it can be a little less than drudgery?" --Dr. Ferraro
"Yeah, I'll say it! I don't like the Al Queda!" --Dr. Ferraro, taking a stand
"There is a Level Orange Alert of there being a test next week." --Dr. Ferraro
"Can you picture one of these little gray aliens coming down and like, doing it with a monkey?? Who got picked for THAT job?" --Dr. Ferraro, on the theory of man being descended from aliens
"And what about movies where they just break into song? If I got up on the table right now and started singing, would you guys join in on the chorus?" --Dr. Ferraro
"I'm going to show this a little early, and when it comes time to watch it, we won't, because we already saw it." --Dr. Ferraro
"They could be watching us with some hidden camera to see what I'm teaching and shit... I'm going by the book!" --Dr. Ferraro
"Remember this day? We decided I have no frickin' clue what the hell this stupidity is." --Dr. Ferraro
"Just wait 'til you see what the writers have in store for Mike next season!" --Mike C, talking about the next semester at Fredonia
"Write your own jokes, folks." --Me, when I learned Scott M. was working in the meat department
"I'm not saying you can't have an opinion, I'm just saying you're wrong." --Me, to my sister
"My mom probably isn't even sleeping. She is probably just laying in her bed thinking of something to bitch about." --Tom
"Dude, I could freaking get... illegal!" --My sister, trying to form a coherent sentence, and failing (after my suggestion that she drive without a license)
"Last night I played poker with Tarot cards... I got a full house and four people died." --Mike L, in an IM
"Sorry, wrong universe." --Me, during Trivial Pursuit, when "Justice League" was guessed instead of the correct "Avengers"
"The Lord himself does not want me to see this game beat." --Tom, when Mario Bros was accidentally reset on level 8-4
"I did no work in that class. I just sat in the back and laughed." --Tom
"No matter what the score is for the better part of the game, it seems the Bills will find a way to lose." --Alex after the Bills v Colts game
"Billy Joel in a Superman suit... Russ would totally lose it." --Anne
"Merry Christmas, mother f*ckers!" --Mark, wearing a Santa hat, at Amy and Eileen's Christmas party
"That's about as cool as cancer." --Tom
"I think I might be dying." --Mike C, several times a week
"If by 'partitioned,' you mean, 'full of gay porn,' then yes." --Mark, when Justin asked Tom if his hard drive was partitioned
"You're like school on Saturday... no class." --Tom
"Dress nice... well, you don't have to dress real nice, but, don't wear a t-shirt that says 'Satan Rules' on it." --Dad, when I asked him for advice on going to court
"I like to think of it as, they are investing in Greg." --Greg on student loans
"That stock is rather volatile." --Nick's reply to the previous quote
"You're welcome, employee." --Mark, after I said 'Thanks, boss'
"It would be like my Mecca." --Val, talking about the Hershey chocolate store
"There's a lot of reasons you can kiss my ass." --Me, after Amanda said there's a lot of reasons the third season finale of Smallville was better than the first
"I keep hoping." --JD, after Gramma told him he would wake the dead
"Your whole life fits on one hand." --Val, suggesting that my life only consists of five things (comics, Tahou's, bars, Sam's Club, and Amanda)
"She dislikes sex, fun, football... But she loves my money, eating, and being a bitch." --(anonymous to protect identity)
"You'd end up with kids with names like 'Dinosaur Jones'!" --Amanda, after I suggested kids should be allowed to pick their own names
"'30% Less Fat'. Who cares, you're eating candy, you dick." --Tom, reading a candy bar wrapper
"First of all, we got jumped again, but that was because we were in a comic store and Greg said something anti-comic book. Then, this guy came up to me and said, 'You're responsible for 9/11, you piece of shit.'" --Mike C, talking about a dream he had
"Well I bet they've f*cking figured it out by now! It's like, 'Hmm, that other asshole didn't come back, maybe bright lights equals bad!'" --Tom, talking about whether or not deer know that cars are dangerous
"Newsflash! I've taken up swearing!" --Josh
"What's more important, money, or spending it?" --Josh, trying to convince me to skip work to go to Pizza Hut Buffet
"So I hear you are...you-know-what-ing. Packing your bags, throwing in the towel, sailing on the ship to freedom!" --Josh, hearing that Val was moving to a new dorm
"He might be like, 'Wow, this kid is too galactic.'" --Me, on quoting a scene from 'X-Men' in my Cold War paper
"The whole world jumped the shark." --Josh
"I'm on the boat wagon!" --Another quote from Val that she didn't want me to put on here
"I'm giving up sobriety for Lent." --Mark
"What would he have done if I was 21, take out a gun and shoot me in the face?" --Mike C, when the bartender at Muldoon's made him a gross birthday drink but said he was 'going easy on him' since he was turning 23 and not 21
"I'm going to make God ashamed he invented the pooping feature in humans." --Mike C on his way to the bathroom
"My birthday presents better include a difibrulator, a stomach pump, and a gift certificate to Rochester General." --Me, the night before my birthday, getting drunk at The Retreat
"Yeah, well, I used to have the mumps, too, that doesn't mean I want them again." --Dad, after Val said that we used to have goldfish and now we have them again
"Try adding about 70 years." --Amanda, when Anne saw Amanda's Golden Girls DVD and thought it was Gilmore Girls
"I hate to tell you this, but, that wasn't a dream, it was real life." --Me, after Amanda said she had a dream about being trapped in a southern hick-town (when we were living in a small town in Virginia)
"Who the hell goes shopping on Christmas Eve? You know there's going to be a ton of people there today, and every single one of them I see, I'm going to want to be like, 'F You'." --Me, not wanting to go to work on Christmas Eve
"That's the Christmas spirit!" --Amanda's reply to my previous comment
"So it's either Life, which I don't really like... in more ways than one... or Reese's Puffs." --Amanda, when we were shopping for cereal
"My dreams." --Mark, when asked what Jude Law stars in
"Things are tense between them since Lana accidentally slept with Bizarro." --Me, trying to catch Amanda up on Smallville
"She sounds like when my Teddy Ruxpin's batteries died." --Me about one of the American Idol contestants
"Hi, is this 'Pencil Legs'?" --Tim, to Ashley's boyfriend on the phone
"It's like finding out someone else is in Fight Club. The first rule is you're not supposed to talk about it." --Me, upon discovering that one of my coworkers was galactic
"Bea Arthur would have made a good Jambi." --Amanda, while watching Pee-Wee's Playhouse
"This may sound weird, but, it kind of tastes like dog food." --Pam, talking about her corned beef hash... and this was meant to be a compliment
"College kids don't go to the movies. They drink." --Me, when Amanda was worried the Brockport theater would be too crowded with college kids
"The flies finally took over." --Anne, when the Ponderosa in Fredonia closed down
"I want to go to bed, but I'm too lazy." --Amanda, not wanting to get off the couch and go to bed
"I don't know what's worse... the fact that they made this, or that it's apparently out." --Me at the video store upon seeing Ace Ventura Junior, and that someone had rented it
Part Two: Inside Jokes
Bob and the bathing caps
The duck
$10 Oakleys
Lucy/Peter Venkman/Old Scratch
The light's on
Garbonics
Eggs?
Homestretch
The chair in the woods
Products From Jim
The Chicktionary
Wearing sombreros in French
It's a Bill Joke
Arnolds "jokes" in Washington
The Police Video at Arnold's shindigs
Sports Illustrated
Eddie Torres: The Extra...
Twins and Sisters Too
Beezo Productions
P&C
The "What Everyone Smells" Stink Chart
Pork Barreling
Log Rolling
Gerrymandering
Bazooka Joe Of The Day
Madame Bijoux
The Red Light District
Bowling with God and Jesus
Skid McWilliams
Hulk Hogan at McDonald's
Kid N Play and James Bond Jr. comics at Big M
"Eye Of The Tiger" at the Billy Joel concert
If I was a cartoon...
Nick Tahou's Presents: Annie Get Your Gun
Nick Tahou's, Proud Sponsor of the Olympic Games
Putting up a sign
Josef in the williams
Tickets to the gun show
In-A-Propriate
A construction worker throwing up Hawaiin Punch and it looks like he's throwing up blood
Hot Cross Nuns
The "Where's My Dinner, Bitch" Game
Bowser's Casser
The Upper Decker
Mr. Cranston sucks
Nippy
Connexus
The P-Wing Remix
Super Mario 3.1
Rumplestiltskin
A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss
Playing it fast and loose
Ecor
Herb Yates
Part Three: Movie, TV, and Celebrity Quotes
"I love it when a plan comes together." --Hannibal Smith (George Peppard), The A-Team
"We'll be like the guy who first thought of delivering pizza to people's houses. Or the guy who invented crack!" --Norm Macdonald, Dirty Work
"You know what time it is? It's beer o'clock, and I'm buying!" --Teddy, Memento
"This movie's gonna make House Party look like House Party 2!" --Chris Rock, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back
"I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains." --Rob Gordon (John Cussack), High Fidelity
"I can't fire them. I hired these guys for three days a week and they just started showing up every day. That was four years ago." --Rob Gordon (John Cussack), High Fidelity
"I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments." --Rob Gordon (John Cusack), High Fidelity
"This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts." --Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey), American Beauty
"My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble hell." --Lester Burnham's job description, American Beauty
"Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one. How about I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call." --Neo (Keanu Reeves), The Matrix
"Even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are, and what you've meant to me... which, while I do appreciate it, I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of." --Holen to Alyssa in Chasing Amy
"If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis." --The old lady in Billy Madison
"Do you know the difference between right and wrong? And do you have a favorite one?" --Dr. Katz, Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist
"My mother used to make a dish that consisted of one piece of American cheese, two peas for the eyes, a cherry tomato for the nose, and a piece of celery for the mouth. And do you know what she called it? She called it 'Clown,' Ben, and we loved it. We looked forward to it." --Dr. Katz tells his son Ben about the good old days in an episode of Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist
"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." --Verbal Kint (Kevin Spacey), The Usual Suspects
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." --Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller's Day Off
"It's a little childish and stupid, but then so is high school." --Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) on faking an illness, Ferris Bueller's Day Off
"I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind." --Ed Roony, Ferris Bueller's Day Off
"People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch." --Melvin Udall (Jack Nicholson), As Good As It Gets
"What if this is as good as it gets?" --Melvin Udall (Jack Nicholson), As Good As It Gets
"Many that live deserve death, and some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too quick to deal out death in judgment. Even the wise cannot see all ends." --Gandalf, Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
"I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times." --Van Wilder (Ryan Reynolds), National Lampoon's Van Wilder
"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." --Van Wilder (Ryan Reynolds), National Lampoon's Van Wilder
"You shouldn't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive." --Van Wilder (Ryan Reynolds), National Lampoon's Van Wilder
"Some people like bloodsausage. People are morons." --Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day
"We've got a full blown, four alarm holiday emergency here! But we're going to press on, and we're going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny f*cking Kay! And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's going to find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!" --Clark Griswald (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
"The US is Superman. Britain is Batman, you know they are smart, but they dont have any super powers. Iraq is like the Riddler, they are tricky, but they can't hurt Superman, he still kicks their ass. It's just like Justice League." --Howard Stern
"The pattern of love is remarkably similar to the pattern of insanity." --The Merovingian, Matrix Revolutions
"Don't be a tuna head." --Maniac Mansion
"Doctors can only give you 'not bad' news. They can only tell you you have nothing. They never tell you, 'Good news, the blood test came back, you're immortal!' They just tell you, 'Eh, you got nothing yet, but... keep coming back and I'll give you a piece of news that'll shatter your life.'" --Norm Macdonald, on Letterman
"If I worried about everything I should worry about, I'd be dead from worrying." --Life As A House
"Asking your mom to buy you this cereal back in the day was like asking her for crack money." --from Maxim magazine, in reference to the cereal Cookie Crisp
"I've developed a new philisophy. I only dread one day at a time!" --Charlie Brown
"I'm dying, and all I hear are insults!" --Charlie Brown, A Boy Named Charlie Brown
"I've seen people get sick on merry-go-rounds, and ferris wheels, and roller coasters, but you're the first person I've ever seen who got sick going through the turnstile." --Peppermint Patty to Charlie Brown, Snoopy Come Home
"There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them." --Superman (Christopher Reeve), Superman IV: The Quest For Peace
"I don't break character 'til the DVD commentary." --Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr.), Tropic Thunder
"He's like the hobbit, on crack." --Boston Rob about Russell on Survivor
"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted." --John Lennon
"If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation." --Don Draper (Jon Hamm), Mad Men
Part Four: Song Lyrics
"I hope your dreams are peaceful, I hope your sleep is sound, and you are satisfied with what you've found, when you finally turn around." --Brand New Immortals, 'Turn Around'
"The tick tock of the clock is painful, all sane and logical. I want to tear it off the wall." --Eve 6, 'Inside Out'
"Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done." --Fiona Apple, 'Criminal'
"If you want to, I can save you, I can take you away from here." --Michelle Branch, 'All You Wanted'
"Oh, I sleep just to dream her. I beg the night just to see her. That my only love should be her. Just to lie in her arms." --Dave Matthews, 'Sleep To Dream Her'
"For a moment this good time would never end." -- Dave Matthews, 'Stay'
"Slow down you crazy child, take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while. It's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two." -- Billy Joel, 'Vienna'
"I don't know why I go walking at night but now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore. I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life until I find what it is I've been looking for." -- Billy Joel, 'River of Dreams'
"Why do you write like you're running out of time? Write day and night like you're running out of time?" -- Lin-Manuel Miranda, 'Non-Stop' from the musical 'Hamilton'
Russ Dimino 2020