Why Christmas is Miserable

While one might think that Christmas is such a joyous and happy time that it is hard to find any negativity to associate with it. However, the curmudgeons of the world have complained loudly that they are being ignored this Christmas season and are demanding that their voice be heard as well.

Their massive movement began earlier in the fall, starting with boycotts of the Akron Zips football games. When this failed to attract the mainstream media they knew more aggressive measures were required. You may have not been aware of their Magnus Opus, “Occupy Toledo.” Their choice of location may have contributed to that.

In a desperate attempt to get publicity they set their tents in front of the Toledo Blade building, waving signs that said, “We hate the 99% AND the 1%!” The most creative sign was based on the wiggle pictures we knew as kids. The sign read “It’s all the Democrats Fault,” but the word “Democrat” alternated with the word “Republican” as the sign moved. Unfortunately the Blade prefers to get its news from the AP, UPI rather than reporters, so the movement didn’t even make the local news.

Having failed with these measures, a massive attack on this website occurred. Apparently my website was chosen at random. More than 3 e-mails were sent and 6 internet users launched a desperate denial of service attack. Fortunately, Word Press is a hearty blog site provided and together we were able to suffer throught the attakcs.

However, in the interest of fair play, I have agreed to publish their demands. This was not a capitulation, since in return they agreed that the entire membership of the movement would subscribe to my blog. I saw this as a win-win. They get their Curmudgeon Manifesto published and I get; a) a topic for a blog and b) more readers.

So without further ado, here are the reasons as to Why Christmas Is Miserable:

1. There is no actual product that even remotely resembles the item “As Seen on TV.”
2. Batteries not included.
3. Some assembly required
4. Missing pieces-parts when some assembly is required
5. Fruitcake
6. Checkout lines during the holidays
7. Socks and underwear wrapped up and given as alleged gifts
8. People you never see at church except for Christmas and Easter who take your favorite seat
9. Chia pets
10. The clapper
11. Fruitcake (yes, it needs to be mentioned twice)

So there you have it. The First Amendment rights of the curmudgeons to state their grievances have been upheld. Fair play for all.

Now it’s time for action. Today every reader needs to walk up to a curmudgeon and commiserate with them as to why Christmas is such a pain. Try to sound sincere, put your arm around them while you talk.

Oh, and if you pick their pocket while you have your arm around them it’ll give them something even better to talk about for years to come.