Surviving TTC

7 wks, 1 day – One beautiful heartbeat!!

December 14, 2006 at 6:45 pm 5 comments

Today was the big day!
DH and I were in the office right on time and signed in. Right as we came in there was a woman with a very cute baby dragging her stroller through the IF crowd. She came to show her baby to the staff – obviously they had helped in the creation of it. She was smiling at everyone and even said “Just want to spread some encouragement here that it can happen! You can get a baby!”. The women didn’t seem to mind. I didn’t really either, although even being pregnant, I felt that I personally couldn’t do that. You simply don’t know what kind of day someone is having. You would not want to do that on a day someone has just found out rotten news. And boy doesn’t that happen a lot in an RE office.

Anyway, off the subject, and back to the waiting room. Unfortunately we had to wait forever. Two patients had to be scheduled in before us and we ended up being called almost an hour after the appointment time.
So long as the news was good it didn’t matter. At least that’s what I told the u/s tech when he apologized for the delay.

He explained what they would be looking for today. That at this stage the gestational sack should be clearly visible, and that they expect to see the baby to be measuring anywhere between 8-13mm (normal range for this time period) and that they should be able to see a heartbeat at a rate between 120-150.

He spent what seemed like forever typing in my name and such. DH and I held hands. Then he said “well, enough tension build up, lets take look, here it goes!”

Almost immediately we saw the sack just like he said. He was happy that it was right where they wanted it to be – no ectopics for us. And then.. inside of it… was the most amazing sight to me… a little tiny blurb of our baby, with its heart beating visibly on the screen. My immediate feelings were oh my God… there is really our baby inside me.. so tiny and and fighting for its life. I was in awe and filled with emotion. The tech quickly printed out the picture and handed it to DH. It came so fast I didn’t even realize.

Then it came to measuring time.
“10.6” He announced. “Perfect.”.

It was right in range.
Then for the heartbeat. I watched how he took a scan of it and did those weird calculations on the screen.

“143 beats per minute”.

Wow! We have a heart beat!!! We have an official clinical pregnancy!!
I was a little giddy. Although frankly, I didn’t quite know what to feel. When you’ve been building yourself up so much for a moment, and especially when you’ve been DREAMING about it for so long, finally when it happens, you just question whether this is it. What am I “supposed” to feel. And is this for real?

He told us congratulations several times, and of course I asked about miscarriage. He said although there is never a 100% guarantee, that typically if things would go wrong they would before now, or that something wrong would be detected by the u/s at this point. Everything so far looked great. And he told us that from the size our due date would be August 1st. (I already knew that from our ER date). He joked about getting ready for one hot pregnant summer.

Ha ha. Well, truthfully, I’d have walked on hot coals to have a baby at this point. A hot summer seems like a breeze (no pun intended). But of course I might revisit that statement when and if I get there, when hopefully some of the IF trials I went through might start to become a distant memory. Somehow I doubt it.

And as much as I hated every minute, it is amazing how it now also holds some fond memories.
As amazing as today was, its almost uncanny that the days of ER and ET seem even bigger for me. They will forever remain in my heart.

After the scan, we were told that the RE would see us to talk to us for a few minutes. Wow, what a treat.
We went into his office and he explained that everything looked great and that he had a report for us to pass on to our ob/gyn. Was this goodbye?? Sniff sniff. Darn it…. I’m fond of this office.
He told me that he’d expect me to be feeling the usual symptoms like dizziness, fatigue, nausea, etc etc and asked me if I feel anything BESIDE those symptoms I should tell him about.

I said “uh… actually, I don’t really feel any of THOSE symptoms, is that a concern?”

He smiled in his usual way and said – no, you are just very lucky.

Lucky. Wow. Somehow after everything I went through, that word just doesn’t really sit with me. Although I DO realize how absolutely lucky I am, to have had things be the way they are now, knowing so painfully from so many women I’ve come into contact with, just how much WORSE things can be. But what do I know? Am I even going to kid myself and say its over? I will never say that again. I will just continue to hope and enjoy each day one at a time, one heartbeat at a time (both baby’s and mine).

I never thought it would be me. It still doesn’t feel like it is. Pregnancy was always something for other women. Either lucky fertiles, or other women who got out of the IF world one day. But it never felt that it would EVER be me, even as I did everything under the sun to make it happen. Sometimes, I still find it hard to believe I am writing this. Its me.

There was one final thing. They were going to check my blood and determine where I am on progesterone so that they would know when to take me off the shots. Great, yesterday may not have been the last day after all.
When they took my blood I kept bleeding. Kind of like when hubby gives me the shot on the left. I wondered out loud if the aspirin was to blame for that. The nurses checked my files and told me I could stop taking it. It was mostly for OHSS after all, and I’m beyond that now.

They would call hubby tomorrow to let him know when to stop with the shots and maybe switch over to suppositories. And I should come back next Thursday for bloodwork just to make sure hormones are all good.

I asked if they would measure the beta and the nurse said no, at this point its in the thousands and thousands and it’s the u/s that was important.

Wow, so it would really be goodbye. Well. HOPEFULLY a goodbye…. the last thing I’d want is the alternative obviously.
There was a huge round of congratulations again as I left the office that had become such a part of my life this entire year. Looks like I was graduating to new things….

DH and I celebrated with a quick lunch, where he gave me a gift to mark the moment. A  pregnancy journal I had always wanted.
I in turn gave him a copy of “She’s having a baby, I’m having a breakdown” 🙂 Something tells me he might need that sometime. 

Actually… “I” need that. I need to read that cover every day to remind myself it is for real. But that image of that tiny little being inside me has forever burned a picture in my mind. I will simply never forget it. I’m carrying life. 

Entry filed under: All Posts, Day by Day, Emotions & Feelings.