"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
    build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, 
and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. 
So far, the Universe is winning."

    Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
    Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
    Arizona: But It's a *Dry* Heat
    Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
    California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
    Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
    Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
    Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
    Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
    Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
    Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum But Leave Your Money)
    Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well OK, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Good
    Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
    Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
    Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
    Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
    Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
    Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
    Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
    Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
    Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Some Tax Brackets)
    Michigan: First Line Of Defense Against Canada
    Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
    Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
    Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
    Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else
    Nebraska: At Least The Cows Are Sane
    Nevada: Strippers, Lounge Lizards, and Poker!
    New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
    New Jersey: You Want A @#$%&! Motto? I Got Yer @#$%&! Motto Right Here!
    New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
    New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
    North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
    North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
    Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
    Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
    Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
    Pennsylvania: Acceleration Ramps - What's That? Civil Engineers - Who Needs Them!
    Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
    South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
    South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
    Tennessee: The Educashun State
    Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles
    Utah: Our Snow Is Better Than Your Snow
    Vermont: Yep
    Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
    Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
    West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
    Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
    Wyoming: The nation's best beef cattle. Watch where you step
 
 

  "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
  "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
  "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
  "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
  "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
  Hydrogin is gin and water. "
  "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
  "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
  "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
  "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
  "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
  "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
  "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
  "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
  "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
  "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides
  have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
  A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
  molars, and eight cuspidors."
  "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
  towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors
  a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
  "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
  "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
  "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
  "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
  "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
  "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
  "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
  "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
  "For a nosebleed Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
  "For asphyxiation Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

     % make love
     Make Don't know how to make love. Stop.

     % got a light?
     No match.

     % sleep with me
     bad character

     % man Why did you get a divorce?
     man Too many arguments.

     % make 'heads or tails of all this'
     Make Don't know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.

     % make sense
     Make Don't know how to make sense. Stop.

     % make mistake
     Make Don't know how to make mistake. Stop.

     % \(-
     (-: Command not found.

     % date me
     You are not superuser date not set Mon Sep 11 155230 PDT 2000

     % man rear
     No manual entry for rear.

     % * How would you describe Clinton
     * Ambiguous.

     % %Vice-President
     %Vice-President No such job.

     % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
     Missing ]. |

     % ^How did the^sex change operation go?
     Modifier failed.

     % who is my match?
     No match.

     % awk "Polly, the ship is sinking"
     awk syntax error near line 1
     awk bailing out near line

     % 'thou shalt not commit adultery'
     thou shalt not commit adultery Command not found.

     March Planned For Next August
     Blind Bishop Appointed To See
     Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
     L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
     Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
     Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
     Diaper Market Bottoms Out
     Croupiers On Strike--Management "No Big Deal"
     Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
     Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
     Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
     Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
     Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
     Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
     Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
     Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
     Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
     Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
     Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
     Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
     Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
     Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better
     20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
     War Dims Hope For Peace
     If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
     Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
     Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
     Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

     If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
     times, does he become disoriented?

     If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people
     from Holland called "Holes?

     Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?

     Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

     If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

     Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't
     they be wearing night gowns?

     If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

     When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you
     put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

     Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

     Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
     bread to begin with.

     When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

     Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
     person that drives a race car not called a racist?

     Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

     Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

     If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to
     make terrible?

     Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

     "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
     language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

     If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
     follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
     denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons
     debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

     Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

     Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion
     stars in the universe you will believe them but if they tell
     you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be
     sure?

     If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

     Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

     What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald
     men?

     I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
     whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me,
     they're cramming for their final exam.

     I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
     little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese
     mothers use? Toothpicks?

     Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
     What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they
     just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen
     could look for them while they deliver the mail?

     How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live
     there?

     If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
     exactly are the others here for?

     You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
     No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is
     winning.

     Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it
     didn't zigzag?

     If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

     If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come
     from?

     Assembly language - mostly spoken by the Town Moderator.

     Compiler - the kid who rakes your leaves.

     Keyboard - where you hang the house key, the truck key, the
     key to the car you junked eight years ago, and the
     churchkey.

     Linker - the guy who drives the tow truck.

     Linux - the big cat that keeps chasing your dog up a tree.

     Motherboard - the piece of wood where you got that mother
     splinter.

     Parallel port - the leak on the other side of the boat.

     Reboot - another try at getting the damn dog off the new
     carpet.

     Serial card - has a picture of a decathlon winner on it.

     Trackball - one of them five-state lottery games.

     Virtual reality - the lake after twelve beers and no fish.

     SING...
     YESTERDAY

     Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
     Now my database has gone away.
     Oh I believe in yesterday.

     Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be,
     And there's a milestone hanging over me
     The system crashed so suddenly.

     I pushed something wrong. What it was, I could not say.
     Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

     Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
     I knew my data was all here to stay,
     Now I believe in yesterday.

     Q: How many senior managers does it take to change a light
     bulb?
     A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why
     light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as
     managers can do to make the light bulbs work smarter, not
     harder.

     Q: How many Help Desk people does it take to change a light
     bulb?
     A: PC Repair has received your mail concerning your hardware
     problem and has assigned your request Service Order Number
     39712. Please use this number for any future reference to
     this case

     Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a
     light bulb?
     A: None. That's a hardware problem.

     Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a
     light bulb?
     A: None. Tell software to code around it

     Q How many support staff people does it take to change a
     light bulb?
     A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems
     to be working fine. Can you tell me what

     1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
     2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you
     pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep
     pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
     3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
     4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there
     than up there wishing you were down here.
     5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
     6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used
     to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch
     the pilot start sweating.
     7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever
     collided with the sky.
     8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A
     'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane
     again.
     9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long
     enough to make all of them yourself.
     10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full
     power to taxi to the ramp.
     11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to
     the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability
     of survival and vice versa.
     12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't
     get to five minutes earlier.
     13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps
     talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite
     direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have
     been known to hide out in clouds.
     14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to
     the number of take offs you've made.
     15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
     Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
     16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of
     experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before
     you empty the bag of luck.
     17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth
     repels them.
     18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going
     round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from
     the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should
     be.
     19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum
     going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero
     miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
     20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the
     experience usually comes from bad judgment.
     21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going
     forward as much as possible.
     22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've
     missed.
     23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law.
     And it's not subject to repeal.
     24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude
     above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

     Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college
     kid, barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was talking
     to a recruiter, who said, "They pay big bucks if ya work on a
     computer..."

     UNIX, that is. CRTs. Workstations.

     Well, the first thing ya know ole Jed's an Engineer. The kinfolk
     said "Jed, move away from here". They said "Arizona is the place
     ya oughta be", So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee.

     Intel, that is. Dry heat. No amusement parks

     On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him more
     donuts and sat him at a tube. They said "your project's late,
     but we know just what to do. Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you
     52!"

     O.T. that is. Unpaid. Mandatory

     The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad. Schedules
     started slipping and some managers were mad. They called another
     meeting and decided on a fix. The answer was quite simple,
     "We'll work him 66!"

     Hours, that is. Stressed out. No social life.

     Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey. Jed worked
     very hard while his life slipped away. Waiting to retire when he
     turned 64, Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

     Laid off, that is. De-briefed. Unemployed.

     Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told:
     Companies will use you and discard you when you're old. So
     gather up your friends and start your own firm, beat the
     competition, watch the bosses squirm.

     Millionaires, that is. Bill Gates. Steve Case.

     Y'all come back now ya hear?
 
 

     You Might be from Michigan If
     1. You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
     2. You think Alkaline batteries were named for a Tiger
     outfielder.
     3. You can identify an Ohio accent.
     5. Owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your
     hometown.
     6. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.
     7. The Big Mac is something that you drive across.
     8. You believe that "down south" means Toledo.
     9. You bake with soda and drink pop.
     10. You drive 86 on the highway and you pass on the right.
     11. Your Little League baseball game was snowed out.
     12. You learned how to drive a boat before you learned how
     to ride a bike.
     13. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac."
     14. The word "thumb" has a geographical rather than an
     anatomical significance.
     15. You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same
     week.
     16. You expect Vernor's when you order ginger ale.
     17. You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but that it
     isn't far from Hell.
     18. Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving,
     deer season, and Devil's Night.
     19. Your snowmobile, lawn mower and fishing boat all have
     big block Chevy engines.
     20. At least one person in your family disowns you during
     the Michigan/Michigan State football game.
     21. Your year has two seasons Winter and Construction.
     22. You know what a millage is.
     23. Traveling coast to coast means driving from Port Huron
     to Muskegon.
     24. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.
     25. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot
     on your left hand.

  1. When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee.
  It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.

  2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
  buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
  flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we
  find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

  3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it
  at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.

  4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your
  guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and
  are always ready to think about fixing computers.

  5. When a tech is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him
  a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is
  to ferret out all those users who don't have e-mail or a telephone line.

  6. Send urgent e-mail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and
  flags it as a rush delivery.

  7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual
  greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and
  wait exactly 24 hours before you send an e-mail straight to the director
  because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

  8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
  electronics in it, right?

  9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
  support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

  10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair
  with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a
  good mystery.

  11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a
  setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we
  just love to hear ourselves talk.

  12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother.
  We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

  13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
  Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.

  14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to
  all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

  15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

  16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go
  around and update the network drivers for you and all your coworkers. We're
  grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

  17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat
  your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

  18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

  19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on
  this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

  20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your
  dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were
  designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

  21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
  upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs,
  nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.

  22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes
  button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing
  it, would you?

  23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about
  that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional
  expertise referred to as crap.

  24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support.
  Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
  recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a
  Master's degree in nuclear physics.

  25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
  call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third
  party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

  26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a
  high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor
  capacity on that mail server.

  27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller
  chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the
  queue.

  28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a
  computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the grocery store on
  weekends.

  29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the
  weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you
  when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip
  out.

  30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the
  office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to
  playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at
  the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.
 
 

     60 above: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. People in
     Maine plant gardens.

     50 above: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in
     Maine sunbathe.

     40 above: Italian & English cars won't start. People in
     Maine drive with the windows down.

     32 above: Distilled water freezes. Moosehead Lake's water
     gets thicker.

     20 above: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves
     and woolly hats. People in Maine throw on a flannel shirt

     15 above: New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
     People in Maine have the last cook-out before it gets cold.

     0: People in Miami all die... Mainers close the windows.

     10 below: Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Maine
     get out their winter coats.

     25 below: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Maine
     are selling cookies door to door.

     40 below: Washington D.C. runs out of hot air. People in
     Maine let the dog sleep indoors.

     100 below: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Maine-iacs
     get frustrated because they can't start the kah.

     460 below: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the
     Kelvin scale). People in Maine start saying...."Cold 'nuff
     for ya?" (answer: "ayuh")

     500 below: Hell freezes over. New England Patriots win the
     Super Bowl.

     Knows the blocksize from du
     Cares not where /dev/null goes to
     Isn't he a bit like you
     And me?

     UNIX Man, please listen
     My lpd is missin'
     UNIX Man
     The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

     He's as wise as he can be
     Uses lex and yacc and C
     UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

     UNIX Man, don't worry
     Test with time, don't hurry
     UNIX Man
     The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

     He's a real UNIX Man
     Sitting in his UNIX LAN
     Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
     Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.

     Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

     2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

     1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope

     Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle

     365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less
     filling: 1 lite year

     16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling

     Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

     1000 aches: 1 megahurts

     Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

     Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarse power

     Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line

     Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
     bananosecond

     10 cards: 1 decacards

     1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

     1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

     1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

     1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

     500 millinaries: 1 seminary

     2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds

     1/2 lavatory: 1 demijohn

     1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

     453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

     1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

     1 million billion piccolos: 1 gigolo

     100 rations: 1 C-ration

     10 millipedes: 1 centipede

     3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent

     2 monograms: 1 diagram

     8 nickels: 2 paradigms

     1. With the cover off, determine if you can see the entire
     part or a portion of the part. If you can, go to step #3.
     2. If you can't see or identify the part at all, call tech
     support. Open a cold beer and spend your time more wisely,
     deciding which credit card to use.
     3. If you can only see a portion of the part, add .5 hours
     to your initial estimate of the repair time.
     4. Count the total number of bolts, pins, clips, wires and
     cables holding the part to the chassis and connecting it to
     the rest of the PC. Multiply this number by .1 hours.
     5. Estimate the number of bolts, pins, wires and cables you
     can't see and multiply this number by .2 hours.
     6. For each additional part that must be removed to gain
     access to the part you need to work on, add .25 hours.
     7. If the target part itself also requires disassembly,
     multiply your total time so far by 2.
     8. If this is your first time working on this part, multiply
     your total time so far by 2.
     9. If your neighbor or work associate told you how easy it
     was to make the repair and gave you advice, multiply your
     total time so far by 2.
     10. If you wear bifocal glasses, add .75 hours.
     11. Divide the total number of bolts, pins, clips, wires and
     cables by 1/4; this is the number of items you will drop.
     Multiply this number by .1 hours for total retrieval time.
     If you are working in an area with a deep carpet, double
     this number.
     12. Total your hours to this point. Note the time of day. If
     your calculations suggest the sun will set before you
     finish, add .5 hours. If you lack high intensity lighting in
     your workspace, double this number.

     YOUR DELETE KEY

     Thank you for using the Delete Key. The Delete Key is an
     amazing new technology available to all computer users. It is
     simple, effective, and very user-friendly. If this is your
     first time using the Delete Key, we urge you to read the
     entire contents of this manual. Please do not delete this
     manual. This may cause you to use the delete key in a reckless
     or insufficient manner.

     INTRODUCTION

     The Delete Key provides a keyboard based, fully manual method
     for the removal of information. Furthermore, use of the Delete
     Key in conjunction with the small amount of brain matter you
     have left may induce a tingling sensation of pleasure.

     Failure to use the Delete Key may result in aggravation,
     humiliation, and knee-jerk reactionism. This manual will help
     you locate and implement a full Delete Key pressing method to
     ensure your peace of mind remains unaltered.

     LOCATING THE DELETE KEY
     1. Lift your hands off the key board.
     2. Scan the keys for a key labeled "Delete"
     3. Make note of this location as it will come in handy later.

     USING THE DELETE KEY
     1. Locate something on your computer you wish to delete.
     Files, text, e-mail messages, and vital operating system
     components are all "delete-enabled" items.
     2. Select the item using your mouse or other selection device.
     3. Lift you hands off the keyboard and using one of you
     fingers, depress the key labeled Delete.
     4. The offending material has now been removed from your
     sight.

     WARNING Some systems may require confirmation of your Delete-
     based system. If this is the case, make sure to agree to the
     deletion. Otherwise you may become reburdened with the
     offensive or unwanted material.

     WHAT SHOULD I DELETE
     Anything that might bring you unhappiness. In this New
     Economy, semi-lucid hyper-cyber-superhighway world, you need
     the unending power of a Delete key. Not only is is easy to
     implement, it offers tremendous Return On Investment (ROI).
     Consider this scenario:

     Helga Gumpwetter has three text files. In the first file are
     instructions for making a nuclear bomb. The other two contain
     funny jokes about pumpkins. Because Helga deleted the nuclear
     bomb message and read the pumpkin jokes, she lacked the
     ability to nuke her ex-boyfriend, thus saving all of King
     County Washington. Talk about some serious ROI!
 
 

     From us ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the
     wishee") Please accept without obligation, implied or
     implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious,
     socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-
     addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter
     solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable
     traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or
     secular practices of your choice, with respect for the
     religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others,
     or their choice not to practice religious or secular
     traditions at all... and a financially successful,
     personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated
     recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar
     year 2001, but with due respect for the calendars of choice
     of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race,
     creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith,
     choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the
     wishee.

     By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that-

     * This greeting is subject to further clarification or
     withdrawal
     * This greeting is freely transferable provided that no
     alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that
     the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
     * This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually
     implement any of the wishes.
     * This greeting may not be enforceable in certain
     jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be
     binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is
     revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.
     * This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be
     expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a
     period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent
     holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
     * The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited
     replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the
     sole discretion of the wishor
     * Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father
     Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures,
     whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply
     any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting,
     and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party
     names and images are hereby acknowledged.
 
 

     Write in C ("Let it Be")
     ------------------------
     When I find my code in tons of trouble,
     Friends and colleagues come to me,
     Speaking words of wisdom
     "Write in C."
     As the deadline fast approaches,
     And bugs are all that I can see,
     Somewhere, someone whispers
     "Write in C."
     Write in C, Write in C,
     Write in C, oh, Write in C.
     LOGO's dead and buried,
     Write in C.
     I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
     For science it worked flawlessly.
     Try using it for graphics!
     Write in C.
     If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
     Debugging some assembly,
     Soon you will be glad to
     Write in C.
     Write in C, Write in C,
     Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
     BASIC's not the answer.
     Write in C.
     Write in C, Write in C
     Write in C, oh, Write in C.
     Pascal won't quite cut it.
     Write in C.

     Something
     ---------
     Something in the way it fails,
     Defies the algorithm's logic!
     Something in the way it coredumps...
     I don't want to leave it now
     I'll fix this problem somehow
     Somewhere in the memory I know,
     A pointer's got to be corrupted.
     Stepping in the debugger will show me...
     I don't want to leave it now
     I'm too close to leave it now
     You're asking me can this code go?
     I don't know, I don't know...

     What sequence causes it to blow?
     I don't know, I don't know...
     Something in the initializing code?
     And all I have to do is think of it!
     Something in the listing will show me...

     I don't want to leave it now
     I'll fix this tonight I vow!
 
 

  Your last name stays put.
  The garage is all yours.
  Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  Chocolate is just another snack.
  You can be president.
  You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new
  haircut.
  The world is your urinal.
  You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just
  too icky looking.
  Same work... more pay.
  Wrinkles add character.
  Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
  People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  One mood, ALL the time.
  Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  You know stuff about tanks.
  A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  You can open all your own jars.
  You can leave the motel bed unmade.
  You can kill your own food.
  You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.
  If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
  Everything on your face stays its original color.
  You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
  Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
  You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
  thinking "He's mad at me."
  You don't mooch off other's desserts.
  You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
  You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  You don't have to shave below your neck.
  Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
  You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife or your teeth.
  You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
  Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December
  24th, in 45 minutes.
 
 

     1.) You tried to enter your password on the microwave.
     2.) You now think of three espressos as "getting started."
     3.) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards
     in years.
     4.) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
     of 3.
     5.) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner
     is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
     6.) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
     7.) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South
     Africa ,but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor
     yet this year.
     8.) Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you
     to send her JPEG files of your newborn so she can create a
     screen saver.
     9.) You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone
     to see if anyone IS home.
     10.) Every commercial on television has a web-site address
     at the bottom of the screen.
     11.) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date
     and now sells for half the price you paid.
     12.) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or
     debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
     13.) Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food
     bags out of the backseat of your car.
     14.) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is
     that they do not have e-mail addresses.
     15.) You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
     16.) Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
     17.) Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-
     it notes.
     18.) You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in
     person.
     19.) You're reading this.
     20.) Even worse... you're going to forward it to someone
     else.

      Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her
      real number.

      Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I
      love you."

      Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

      When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in
      a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

      Birth control would come in ale or lager.

      Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

      The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

      "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for
      tardiness.

      At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and
      slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

      It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go
      pillage a nearby town.

      Tanks would be far easier to rent.

      Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

      Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a
      giant foamhand that said, "You're #1!"

      Valentine's Day would be moved to 29 Feb so it would only occur in leap years.

      On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
      Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it
      would be celebrated every month.

      Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or
      to the crooks.

      Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden
      Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

      The only show opposite Mon. Night Football would be Mon. Night Football from a
      Different Camera Angle.

      It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following
      day with a full tank of gas.

      Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

      When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would
      actually reduce your fine.

      The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

      People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

      Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

      Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
 
 

      Log on - Make the barbie hotter.
      Log off - Don't add any more wood.
      Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie.
      Download - Get the firewood off the ute.
      Floppy disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once.
      Hard drive - Camooweal to Birdsville.
      Window - What you shut when it's cold.
      Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season.
      Byte - What mozzies do.
      Bit - What mozzies did.
      Megabyte - What Townsville mozzies do.
      Chip - A bar snack.
      Micro chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips.
      Modem - What you did to the hay fields.
      Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife.
      Laptop - Where the cat sleeps.
      Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.
      Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks.
      Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed.
      Mainframe - What holds the shed up.
      Interface - Spit out the window of the ute.
      Web - What spiders make.
      Web site - The shed or under the verandah.
      Cursor - The old bloke that swears a lot.
      Search engine - What you do when the ute won't go.
      Upgrade - A steep hill.
      Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch.
      Mail server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch.
      Sound card - The bower that wins the hand of 500.
      User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
      Network - When you have to repair your fishing net.
      Internet - Complicated fish net repair method.
      Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net.
      Online - When you get the laundry hung out.
      Offline - When the pegs don't hold the washing up.

      WinErr: 000 Not Errors found [Retry] [Reboot]
      WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
      WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
      WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
      WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
      WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
      WinErr: 006 Malicious error - OS/2 found on drive
      WinErr: 007 System price error - Not enough money spent on hardware
      WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
      WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
      WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
      WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 80MB
      WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More! More! More!
      WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
      WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
      WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
      WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
      WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
      WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
      WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
      WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
      WinErr: 016 Unable to exit Windows. Try door !
      WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one.
      Old windows license is not valid anymore.
      WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
      WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
      software. We are terribly sorry.
      WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time
      you will get a penalty for that.
      WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
      WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
      WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
      WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
      WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
      WinErr: 021 Error displaying error message. You cannot see this error.
      WinErr: 026 Error - Your computer is too fast for Windows. Decrease the speed
      of your computer by pressing 'TURBO' switch or downgrading your
      computer.
      WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS-box. The
      virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically
      be closed and the virus will be activated again.
      WinErr: 049 Cannot open Windows - Bugs will come in.
      WinErr: 055 Hard disk full. Windows cannot write a swap file. Buy another hard
      disk.
      WinErr: 056 CPU is too tired to continue
      WinErr: 057 Processor meltdown. Too hot inside a computer.
      WinErr: 077 Joystick not found. Please click joystick button 1 to continue
      WinErr: 078 Keyboard not found. Please press F1 to continue
      WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please
      click the left mouse button to continue.
      WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
      game?
      WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the
      system to complete boot procedure.
      WinErr: 703 Error exiting Windows. System does not fit through that window.
      A window with a size 169 Mb is needed.
      WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 64,312,583 Bytes available
      WinErr: FFF Error buffer full - Windows cannot display any more
      error messages.

     Bread Kills!

       1.   More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
       2.   Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
       households score below average on standardized tests.
       3.   In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
       home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
       mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in
       childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza
       ravaged whole nations.
       4.   Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
       5.   Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For
       example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are
       obviously cumulative:
           o    99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
           o    100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
           o    96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
           o    99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread
                within 6 months preceding the accident.
           o    93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is
                served frequently.
       6.   Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all
          the people born since 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a
          100% mortality rate.
       7.   Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
       proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate
       a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!
       8.   Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
       incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
       osteoporosis.
       9.   Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
       bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as
       two days.
       10.  Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
       "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold
       cuts.
       11.  Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is
       more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead
       to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product,
       turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
       12.  Newborn babies can choke on bread.
       13.  Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
       Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one
       minute.
       14.  Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
       significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

     In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the
     following bread restrictions:
       1.   No sale of bread to minors.
       2.   A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity
       TV spots and bumper stickers.
       3.   A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
       societal ills we might associate with bread.
       4.   No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
       appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
       5.   The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

     Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and
     kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of
     these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO,
     but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.

     Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue
     damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive
     sweating and urination, bloating, nausea, vomiting and body
     electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent,
     DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

     Dihydrogen monoxide  is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is
     the major component of acid rain. It:
     --contributes to the "greenhouse effect.
     --may cause severe burns.
     --contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
     --accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
     --may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness
     of automobile brakes.
     --has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer
     patients.

     Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions! Significant
     quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost
     every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the
     pollution is global, and the substance has even been found
     in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of
     property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

     Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
     --as an industrial solvent and coolant.
     --in nuclear power plants.
     --in the production of styrofoam.
     --as a fire retardant.
     --in many forms of cruel animal research.
     --in the distribution of pesticides. (Even after washing,
     produce remains contaminated by this chemical.)
     --as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food
     products.

     The American government has refused to ban the production,
     distribution, or use of this chemical compound due to its
     "importance to the economic health of this nation." Worse,
     military organizations--- the Navy is the worst offender---
     are developing weapons based on DHMO. Other branches of the
     military receive tons the substance through a highly
     sophisticated distribution network that's hidden
     underground, away from public scrutiny. Many military
     facilities store large quantities of DHMO for later use!

     It's Not Too Late! Act NOW to prevent further
     contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical.
     What you don't know can hurt you and others throughout the
     world.

  (OK: For those of you who slept during high school chemistry,
  "Dihydrogen Monoxide" is ordinary water. <g>)

     Hello, my name is Harold Anslinger. One month ago, my
     little boy, Tommy, was diagnosed with Simiatomia-B, a rare
     genetic disorder which affects the nuclei of cells.

     Chromosomes are genetically modified and human chromosomes
     are slowly changed into chromosomes of a chimpanzee. My
     beautiful six-year-old son is slowly turning into a monkey.
     Needless to say, this is a burden on my wife, Marlene, and
     I. The doctor bills are staggering, not to mention the cost
     of bananas and the little tricycles that chimps like to
     ride. Doctors tell us that the changeover will be complete
     in one year and that our only hope is a new experimental
     treatment available at Johns Hopkins. In an act of extreme
     generosity, Microsoft, Johns Hopkins, and the Pope have
     volunteered to donate one cent for every e-mail that you
     forward. God bless Bill Gates! God bless Mr. Hopkins! God
     bless His Holiness!

     Here's how it works. Every time you forward this e-mail,
     special tracking software in Switzerland keeps track of it
     and the money is automatically placed in a Swiss bank
     account. We need to raise approximately three million
     dollars, which is 300 million e-mails, so please forward
     this message to all of your relatives, all of your friends,
     and even people you may not like so much. It's imperative
     in order to keep little Tommy from becoming a chimp, and to
     find a solution for others like him.

     In the event that we can't raise the three million dollars,
     the money will be donated to Campbell Soup's "pea soup for
     hobos" project, where cans of sodium-laden soup are donated
     to indigent people riding the rails. I have to go now.
     Tommy is screeching for another banana. Thank you, and god
     bless.

Reader "Mikeprieur" sends along this list of fractured definitions:

      Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
      Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ What a bullfighter tries to do
      Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ Where some hemlines fall
      Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ The act of torching a mortgage
      Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ What a crook sees with
      Control \kon'-trol\ A short, ugly inmate
      Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
      Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ A clumsy ophthalmologist
      Heroes \hee-rhos' \ What a guy in a boat does
      Left Bank \left' bangk' \ What the robber did when his bag was
      full of loot
      Misty \mis-tee' \ How golfers create divots
      Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ Two physicians
      Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \ What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
      Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ A helper on the farm
      Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ What penguins see with
      Primate \pri'-mate' \ Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
      Relief \ree-leef' \ What trees do in the spring
      Selfish \sel'-fish' \ What the owner of a seafood store does
      Subdued \sub-dood' \ Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines,
      man
      Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ Brought litigation against a government official

      35. State worker
      34. Legally drunk
      33. Exact estimate
      32. Act naturally
      31. Found missing
      30. Resident alien
      29. Genuine imitation
      28. Airline food
      27. Good grief
      26. Government organization
      25. Sanitary landfill
      24. Alone together
      23. Small crowd
      22. Business ethics
      21. Soft rock
      20. Amtrak schedule
      19. Military intelligence
      18. Sweet sorrow
      17. Compassionate conservative
      16. "Now, then ..."
      15. Passive aggression
      14. Clearly misunderstood
      13. Peace force
      12. Extinct life
      11. Plastic glasses
      10. Terribly pleased
      9. Computer security
      8. Political science
      7. Tight slacks
      6. Definite maybe
      5. Pretty ugly
      4. Rap music
      3. Working vacation
      2. Religious tolerance

      And the No. 1 oxymoron
      1. Microsoft Works

     Me transmitte sursum, Caledoni!
     (Beam me up, Scotty!)

     Dolores capitis non fero. Eos do.
     (I don't get headaches. I give them.)

     Ex astris scientia
     (From the stars, science)- The motto of Starfleet Acedemy

     Promoveatur ut admoveatur.
     (Let him be promoted to get him out of the way.)

     Quiquid latine dictum sit altum viditur.
     (Whatever is said in Latin seems profound.)

     Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.
     (If you can read this, you are overeducated.)

     Si tu dixero, necesse erit ut tu interficiam.
     - If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

     Vive diu prosperaque!
     (Live long and prosper!)

     Si vis amari, ama.
     (If you want to be loved, love.)

     1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
     and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
     refreshing.

     2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10
     minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better,
     hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

     3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It
     gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you
     are.

     4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
     don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as
     a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training
     in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

     5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which
     is priority. I am psychic.

     6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
     really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
     beyond work.

     7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
     out, it could mean a promotion.

     8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to
     be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

     9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
     them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No
     use confusing me with useful information.

     10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
     right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
     plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
     will identify them.

     11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
     really change your life and send you straight to manager's
     hell.

     12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
     it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like
     the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check
     you received for being such a good manager.

     13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals
     SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a
     cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

    Reader Gord Hines goes even further:

     In my first college year, I learned two more neo-Latinisms
     that have served me well for almost three decades

     1. "Non urum ad ventum" [recall that the Latin letter "v" is
     pronounced as a "w"] trans: Don't pee into the wind

     2. "Illegitimati non carborundum"
     trans: Don't let the b*stards grind you down
     And this twist I just learned of today: "Carborundi non
     illegitimatum" trans: "Don't let the grind make a b*stard out of you."

     According to this website,
     http://www.staticvision.com/achtung/quotations.htm   it [ the
     "illegitimi" phrase] is credited to Joseph Stillwell, American
     General in WWII. On this site, it is cited as a line in a
     Harvard "fight(?)" song by way of Stillwell.

     On http://www.auburn.edu/~blashrk/cob5.htm , the
     quotation is given a different and older origin:
    http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Olympus/2948/fraselat.html

     ILLEGITIMIS NIL CARBORUNDUM
     --From the mediaeval jingle, "Si te dominorum vis/Facit
     furibundum,/ Dico "illegitimis Nichil carborundum"

     On this website, it's attributed even further back in time to
     "Marcus Aurelius"
     http://www.happyhacker.org/hhlist/digest20.shtml (Marcus lived
     121-180; Roman Emperor and Stoic philosopher)

     It also appears, unattributed, at
     http://www.informatik.uni-oldenburg.de/~henry/jokes/Latein.html

     It appears that eventually all our acquired knowledge [jokes
     included] is progressively finding its way onto the www.

    And Max Booher writes:

     I think most of those euphemistic Latin statements originated
     with a guy named James (?) Beard who wrote an entire book of
     them a few years ago called "Latin for All Occasions". Very
     funny reading; I think my favorite line was "Fac ut gaudeam"
     ("Go ahead -- make my day"... or, more literally "Do, so that
     I may rejoice.")

     Speaking of Latin, check out
     http://www.csse.monash.edu.au/~damian/papers/HTML/Perligata.html
     for a Perl module which allows you to write Perl programs
     in Latin. For me, a Classics-geek-turned-computer-geek, this
     site really "made my day".

    Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
    A. Conception.

    Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other US TV show?
    A. No theme song.

    Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
    A. Their birthplace.

    Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
    A. Obsession.

    Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to count
    until you found the letter "A"?
    A. One thousand

    Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
    laser printers all have in common?
    A. All invented by women.

    Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
    A. Father's Day

    Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
    A. He was allergic to carrots.

    Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
    A. Snooping in your medicine cabinet.

    Did you know...
    The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time US television
    was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

    Coca-Cola was originally green.

    Every day more money is printed for the board game "Monopoly" than
    printed by the US Treasury.

    Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear & smell better.

    The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work Alaska.

    The percentage of Africa that is wilderness 28%. The percentage of North
    America that is wilderness 38%.

    The cost of raising a medium size dog to the age of eleven $6,400.

    The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour 61,000.
 
 

     WARNING Do NOT calculate Pi in binary. It is conjectured that
     this number is normal, meaning that it contains ALL finite bit
     strings. If you compute it, you will be guilty of:

     * Copyright infringement (of all books, all short stories, all
     newspapers, all magazines, all web sites, all music, all
     movies, and all software, including the complete Windows
     source code)
     * Trademark infringement
     * Possession of pornography
     * Espionage (unauthorized possession of top secret information)
     * Possession of DVD-cracking software
     * Possession of threats to the President
     * Possession of everyone's SSN, everyone's credit card
     numbers, everyone's PIN numbers, everyone's unlisted phone
     numbers, and everyone's passwords...

     Also, your computer will contain all of the nastiest known
     computer viruses. In fact, all POSSIBLE computer viruses.

     Some of the files on my PC are intensely personal, and I for
     one don't want you snooping through a copy of them. You might
     get away with computing just a few digits, but why risk it?

     There's no telling how far into Pi you can go without finding
     the secret documents about the JFK assassination, a photograph
     of your neighbor [performing an unmentionable act], or a
     complete digital copy of all future not-yet-released Hollywood
     smash hits. So just don't do it.

     The same warning applies to e, the square root of 2, Euler's
     constant, Phi, the cosine of any non-zero algebraic number,
     and the vast majority of all other real numbers.

     There's a reason why these numbers are always computed and
     shown in decimal, after all.
 
 

     IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
     AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

     IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
     AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

     IN PRISON you get time off for good behaviour.
     AT WORK you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

     IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
     AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and
     open all the doors yourself.

     IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
     AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

     IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
     AT WORK you have to share.

     IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
     AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

     IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
     AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
     they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

     IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars
     from the inside wanting to get out.
     AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and
     inside bars.

     IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
     AT WORK they are called managers.
 
 

            10
                Clippy undercover
                Clippy's so-called retirement is a ruse. He's actually on
                assignment. His secret mission: to assassinate the Linux
                penguin.
             9
                Subliminal messages
                After installing Microsoft Excel 2002, millions of fiscally prudent
                accountants inexplicably start blowing their salaries on Microsoft
                stock.
             8
                Parker Brothers is vexed
                Microsoft keeps Department of Justice otherwise occupied by
                releasing well-timed viruses that delete files containing the word
                Monopoly.
             7
                The Xbox Files
                Each game for the new console implants a posthypnotic
                suggestion that causes kids to become physically ill at the sight
                of a Sony PlayStation 2.
             6
                Take me to your leader
                In exchange for a presidential pardon, Microsoft agrees to name
                its next consumer operating system Windows W.
             5
                The new Office Assistant
                Austin Powers's Dr. Evil.
             4
                Strange brew
                Microsoft and AOL feud is just a smoke screen to hide the fact
                that both companies are secretly owned by Starbucks.
             3
                Poisoned Apple
                Conspirators drug the sushi in the Apple Cupertino campus
                cafeteria, causing once loyal employees to place Windows
                stickers on all new iBooks.
             2
                Thus ends the browser wars
                Unnamed spammers in the Pacific Northwest spread e-mail
                rumor that Netscape.exe is a hard-disk-destroying virus.
             1
                The Sorcerer's Handheld
                In an attempt to influence tender young minds, Microsoft
                replaces Harry Potter's wand with a "magical Pocket PC" in ads
                for the upcoming movie.

     1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

     2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less
     you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good
     woman, with the meanest face in town."

     3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right,
     repeat it. Then find something that rhymes . . . sort of: "Got
     a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good
     woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret
     Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

     4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you
     stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

     5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down
     trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility
     Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a
     southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools
     ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the
     blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

     6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In
     Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
     chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

     7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
     any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is
     probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and
     Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You
     cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

     8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman
     with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you
     skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator
     be chomping on it is.

     9) You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The
     lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the
     dumpster.

     10) Good places for the Blues: a) Highway;  b) Jailhouse;  c)
     Empty bed;  d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the
     Blues: a) Dillard's; b) Gallery openings; c) Ivy League
     institutions; d) Golf courses

     11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit,
     'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

     12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if  a) You
     older than dirt; b) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis;
     d) You can't be satisfied.  No, if a) You have all your
     teeth;  b) You were once blind but now can see; c) The man in
     Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust fund.

     13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
     Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly
     white people also got a leg up on the blues.

     14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline,
     it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are a) Cheap
     wine; b) Whiskey or bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black
     coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) Perrier; b)
     Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.

     15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's
     a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is
     another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance
     abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a
     Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting
     liposuction.

     16) Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie;  b) Big Mama; c)
     Bessie; d) Fat River Dumpling

     17) Some Blues names for men a) Joe; b) Willie; c) Little
     Willie; d) Big Willie

     18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and
     Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot
     in Memphis.

     19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a) Name of physical
     infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); b) First name (see
     above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.); c) Last
     name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.); d) For
     example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or
     Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

     20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer,
     you cannot sing the blues.

      GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
      1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
      2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
      3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
      4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
      5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
      6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
      7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
      8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
      9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
      10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's/Grandpa's lap.

      GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
      1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
      2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
      3) Families are like fudge ...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
      4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
      5) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
      6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

      GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT OLDSTERS HAVE LEARNED
      1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
      2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
      3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
      4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you
      once got from a roller coaster.
      5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the
      questions.
      6) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
      7) With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.
    

  Eye halve a spelling chequer
  It came with my pea sea
  It plainly marques four my revue
  Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

  Eye strike a key and type a word
  And weight four it two say
  Weather eye am wrong oar write
  It shows me strait a weigh.
  As soon as a mist ache is maid
  It nose bee fore two long
  And eye can put the error rite
  Its rare lea ever wrong.

  Eye have run this poem threw it
  I am shore your pleased two no
  Its letter perfect awl the weigh
  My chequer tolled me sew.

Proof that Humanity is Doomed 
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would
have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of
the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows
before you could continue.  For some reason you would simply
accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
was twice as reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive,
but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would
all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to
learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

 
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.  The grandson asked his
grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born, before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, 
Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the 
fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first-and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. 
Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir'- and after I turned 25, 
I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir.' We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers,
daycare centers, and group therapy.  Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and
common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to 
stand up and take responsibility for our actions Serving your country was a privilege ; living in this country was a bigger
privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.  Having a meaningful relationship meant
getting along with your cousins.  Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening
breeze started.  Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not
purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We
listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches   on our radios.  And I don't
ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on
your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.  We had 5 &
10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on
a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.  And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your
nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a
gallon.

In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock
music" was your grandmother's lullaby. "

"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a
hardware store, and "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder
people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.....

And how old do you think this grandmother is?

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it
and pretty sad at the same time.

This Woman would be only 58 years old!

1. There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.

8. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"

10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls--- a walk--- is one way. Name the other six.

11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S."

Answers:

1. Boxing.

2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. Baseball.

5. Strawberry.

6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.

10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.

11. Lettuce.

12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings.

CEO ... Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO ... Corporate Fraud Officer
MBA ... Master of Bogus Accounting
BULL MARKET ... A random market movement causing an investor to mistakehimself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET ... An extended period when kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING ... The art of buying low, and selling lower.
P/E RATIO ... The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market goes lower.
BROKER ... What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR ... My life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST ... Idiot who just downgraded my stock.
STOCK SPLIT ... When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets between them.
FINANCIAL PLANNER ... A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION ... The day after I buy stocks.
CASH FLOW ... The movement my money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO ... What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker.
WINDOWS 2000 ... What you jump out of when you are the poor sucker above.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR ... Last year's investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT ... an archaic word, no longer in use.
401K ... now known as only a 201K.

The year is 1903 , one hundred years ago ... what a
difference a century makes.

Here are U.S. statistics for 1903....

The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven
(47).

Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost
$11.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144
miles of paved roads.

The speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each
more heavily populated than California. With a mere
1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st
most populous state in the Union.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per
year.

A competent accountant could! expect to earn $2000 per
year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian
between $1,500 and $4,000 More than 95 percent of all
births in the US took place at home.

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen
cents a dozen.

Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and
used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from
entering the country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New
Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the
Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't
been invented.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from
high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available
over the counter at corner drugstores. According to
one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives
buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of
health."

Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least
one full-time servant or domestic.

There were only about 230 reported murders in the
entire US.

Just think what it will be like in another 100 years

IN AN EFFORT TO HELP OUTSIDERS UNDERSTAND THE MIDWEST UNITED STATES, THE FOLLOWING LIST WILL BE HANDED TO EACH DRIVER ENTERING THE AREA:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your SUV. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order a steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. You can bring Coke into my house but it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too - and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70, 80 & 90 go two ways. Interstate 29, 35, & 75 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the ball into the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot, his name is, "Sir"... no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit and go home.

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to Paris.

The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat exasperated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the exact distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks over at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50.

The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse
full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking
to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right),an
employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of
the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on
his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her
how she had been able to save so much money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised
and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you
$25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman
that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just
looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are
not square."Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of
money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the
president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front
of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that,
checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no
way he could lose the bet. The! next mo rning at exactly 10 o'clock the
elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's
testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as
the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so
that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to
oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president."Given
the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman
did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against
the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the
morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of
Canada!"

The origin of this Canadian story is unknown

Another "ping",
Are you listenin'?
The puter screen,
Is a glistenin'
With icons so bright,
They light up the night,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?" 
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: 
#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. 
#2 Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the government

#3 We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people 
#4 The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. 
#5 And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. 
Now think about that and see if it makes sense." 
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night,
he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the
baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room
and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's
room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. 
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand
the concept of politics now." 
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is
all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class,
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future
is in deep shit. 

The first programmer finishes, walks over to the sink to wash his
hands.
He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel
after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his
hands is dried.
Turning to the other two, he says, "At Microsoft, we are trained to be
extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds
to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he
dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely
thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door,
shouting over his shoulder, "At Sun, we don`t piss on our hands."

          No, Windows is not a virus.

          Here's what viruses do: 

1.  I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2.  Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.  Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4.  Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5.  Are You Andy or Barney?
6.  I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7.  You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8.  I pay your salary!
9.  Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. 
    That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
    You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

TheDumbNetwork
http://www.dumbwarnings.com/warnings.php?site=warnings&cid=4

I hate computers!
http://extlab1.entnem.ufl.edu/IH8PCs/index.html

http://www.ishouldbeworking.com/

http://www.nowedonthaveawebsite.com/noweb.html

http://www.engrish.com/category_index.php?category=Computer

http://www.do-not-sleep.com/

This Is Broken   Web/Tech
http://broken.typepad.com/b/webtech/index.html