42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Is there another word for synonym?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Half the people you know are below average.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Banning the bra was a big flop.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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