Let's start by making the dough.
Mix 1 quart of whole milk, 1 cup of vegetable oil, and 1 cup of sugar in a pan. "Scald" the mixture (heat until just before the boiling point.) Turn off heat and leave to cool 45 minutes to 1 hour. Go fold laundry or sculpt or play Twister with your mailman or something.
When the mixture is lukewarm to warm, but NOT hot, sprinkle in 2 packages active dry yeast.
Let this sit for a minute so the yeast gets all warm and moist and happy.
Then add 8 cups of all-purpose flour.
Stir mixture together. Cover and let sit for at least an hour. Go throw away the rest of your wrapping paper or build a Lego Rottweiler or do Yoga or watch Home Shopping Network and order a frozen pizza oven for your countertop or some cellulite cream.
After an hour, the dough will look like this.
Now add 1 more cup of flour…
1 heaping teaspoon baking powder…
And 1 "scant" (less than a full) teaspoon baking soda and 1 heaping tablespoon of salt.
Stir mixture together. At this point, you could cover the dough and put it in the fridge until you need it—overnight or even a day or two, if necessary. Just keep your eye on it and if it starts to splurge out of the pan, just punch it down. Or, of course, you can just go ahead and make the rolls.
Let’s do that, shall we?
Sprinkle surface generously with flour.
Take half the dough and form a rough rectangle.
Then roll the dough thin, maintaining a general rectangular shape. Rectangle should increase in both width and length as you roll it out.
Here's my beautiful, weird, lovely, delightful friend, Hyacinth. She came over to make cinnamon rolls with me. Ain’t she purty?
Now drizzle 3/4 to 1 cup melted butter over the dough. Don't be shy; lay it on thick, baby. You know you want it.
Oh, by the way? This is not non-caloric. In case anyone asks.
Now sprinkle 1 cup of sugar over the butter…
…followed by a generous sprinkling of cinnamon.
Now, starting at the opposite end, begin rolling the dough in a neat line toward you. Keep the roll relatively tight as you go. Some of the butter/sugar/cinnamon mixture may ooze out toward the end, but that’s no big deal.
Next, pinch the seam to the roll to seal it. Doesn't Hyacinth have lovely hands?
Spread 1 tablespoon of melted butter in seven round, foil cake or pie pans. Then begin cutting rolls approximately 3/4 to 1 inch thick and laying them in the buttered pans. Repeat this process with the other half of the dough. This recipe makes approximately seven pans of rolls.
Let the rolls sit for 20 to 30 minutes to rise, then bake at 375 degrees until light golden brown, about 15 to 18 minutes.
While the rolls are in the oven, make the deliciously sinful maple frosting.
To a mixing bowl, add 1 bag of powdered sugar.
To this, add about 2 teaspoons maple flavoring…
1/2 cup milk...
1/4 cup melted butter…
…and 1/4 cup of brewed coffee. Also add 1/8 teaspoon (a generous pinch) salt.
Then have a big, strong, virile man stir it up for you. I chose Marlboro Man.
The mixture should be thick but pourable. Taste and adjust as needed.
Generously drizzle frosting over warm rolls after you pull them out of the oven. And take a walk on the wild side.
You'll be another step closer to being the most popular person in town…or the jiggliest, depending on whether you choose to deliver the rolls to friends or lock yourself in your pantry and eat them all by yourself.
Not that I've ever done that, mind you. I don't ever do things like that. I'm a model of self-discipline. And I don’t have time to do such things—I'm too busy doing the Stairmaster. Yeah, that’s me—Miss Will Power. I don't ever consume wasted calories. And if I do, I’m always vigilant about compensating with a higher activity level and weeks of fasting. And all.
Go forth and conquer! Yes you can. And report back to me.
