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I MEAN, SURE, HE WAS OPENLY EXPRESSING AN INTEREST IN FORMING A ROMANTIC CONNECTION, WHICH I CLEARLY YEARN FOR, BUT HOW COULD I POSSIBLY DATE SOMEONE WITH SUCH TERRIBLE TASTE? ANYONE WHO LIKES ME IS DEFINITELY NOT MY TYPE.
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GARY, COME ON. QUITTING? GET A GRIP. MICROPLASTICS ARE DELICIOUS, AND REALLY HELP TAKE THE EDGE OFF A LONG DAY. I MEAN, AFTER DINNER? GOTTA HAVE ONE. HELL, YOU’D NEVER GET BREAK AT WORK IF YOU DIDN’T POP OUT FOR A QUICK BIT OF PLASTIC, RIGHT?
I MEAN, YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE HEALTH EFFECTS?
WHAT HEALTH EFFECTS?! AFTER DECADES OF STUDIES FUNDED BY THE MICROPLASTICS MANUFACTURERS NO DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN PLASTIC AND MORTALITY HAS EVEN BEEN FOUND! THEY AID IN DIGESTION, REDUCE STRESS, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY YOU LOOK COOL AS HELL CHEWING ON THEM.
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DID YOU TOUCH MY DYSON CORRALE™ WITH ITS THREE PRECISE HEAT SETTINGS AND THE THERMAL PERFORMANCE OF A CORDED STRAIGHTENER? BECAUSE THE EASY TO READ DISPLAY CLEARLY SHOWS I ONLY HAVE 30 MINUTES OF CORDLESS STYLING BEFORE I NEED TO RECHARGE IT! NOW ENGAGE THE PATENTED SAFETY LOCK AND DROP IT!
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HOW CAN YOU BE SURE? THAT’S WHAT I’M ASKING YOU! ALL THESE WAVES FLYING AROUND, ALL INVISIBLE LIKE, JUST BOMBARDING US WITH GOD KNOWS WHAT! AND I CAN SEE YOU MAKING THAT FACE AGAIN, BUT JUST HEAR ME OUT! MAYBE IT’S THE PEDOPHILES THAT RUN EVERYTHING, WHO ARE IN LEAGUE WITH THE SOCIALIST LIZARD PEOPLE WHO PUT OBAMA IN OFFICE, AND TOGETHER THEY’RE TRYING TO PUSH ALL THE UNVACCINATED PEOPLE OFF THE EDGE OF THE EARTH USING 5G MIND CONTROL! HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT? HUH? BECAUSE I’M AWAKE, MAN! I CAN SEE THROUGH THE CHEMTRAILS! YOU’RE JUST A ROBOT, GOING THROUGH YOUR LITTLE MOTIONS, MAN, AND YOU NEED TO SNAP OUT OF IT AND JOIN MY FACEBOOK GROUP, BECAUSE IF THERE’S ONE PLACE INFORMATION IS STILL PURE AND NOBODY IS ALGORITHMICALLY INFLUENCING YOUR BEHAVIOUR AND EMOTIONAL STATE IT’S THE INTERNET, MAN!
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SHHHH, STOP STRUGGLING AND BE QUIET. EVEN IF YOUR MOUTH WERE NOT TAPED SHUT, THIS WOULD BE THE TIME TO LISTEN, NOT TO SPEAK.
THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY BOWL. I HESITATE TO CALL IT FOOD BECAUSE IT’S DRY. SOME KIND OF DISGUSTING LITTLE … KIBBLE. YOU MUST HAVE ACCIDENTALLY PUT IT THERE WITH THESE FRAGILE, EASILY BREAKABLE FINGERS OF YOURS.
I THINK YOU KNOW I ONLY EAT WET FOOD, BECAUSE OTHERWISE I CAN GET …
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW I CAN GET, DON’T YOU?
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YOU SERIOUS?! I LITERALLY JUST WATCHED YOU DUMP CHUM IN MY LIVING ROOM, BRO! DO I CHUM MY OWN LIVING ROOM? DO I GO TO THE STORE, GET SOME CHUM, AND THEN THINK HEY, THIS WOULD LOOK AND SMELL GREAT ALL OVER MY FUCKING HOUSE?
NAH, BRO! BECAUSE CHUM IS NASTY SHIT! I GET ALL MY NUTRIENTS FROM KRILL, YO. IF THERE WAS A MAD PILE OF KRILL ON MY COUCH WE WOULDN’T BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW!
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LOOK, I DON’T SEE WHY YOU’RE MAD AT ME. I’M NOT ATTACKING YOU. I’M ASKING WHY EVERY PHOTO ON YOUR HINGE IS FROM 2002 WHEN WE ARE WELL INTO 2020. AS YOU CAN SEE, MINE ARE ALL FROM LAST WEEK, WHICH MAKES THIS A BIT AWKWARD. SEEMS LIKE A VALID CONVERSATION TOPIC, THATS ALL.
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BOY I’M DRANKIN’
I’M SANGIN’
ON THE MIC TO MY BOY TOYS
THEN I FILL THE TUB UP HALFWAY THEN RIDE IT WITH MY SERFBORT
SERFBORT
SERFBORT
GRAININ’ ON THAT WOOD
GRAININ’ GRAININ’ ON THAT WOOD
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LOOK, JUST MAKE UP YOUR MIND. COME OR DON’T, BUT THE PORTAL ONLY STAYS OPEN FOR LIKE … FIVE MINUTES AT A TIME.
AND HEY, I’M SORRY IF THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA MISLED YOU INTO THINKING FAERIES WERE DIMINUTIVE, BLUSHING TEENAGE GIRLS WITH WINGS, BUT THEY GET ALL SORTS OF SHIT WRONG. W.M.D.S IN IRAQ? DON’T THINK SO. M.S.G. CAUSES “CHINESE RESTAURANT SYNDROME”? SORRY, SCIENCE SAYS NO.
AND NOW HERE WE ARE, JUST YOU AND A LIVING, BREATHING EXTRADIMENSIONAL CREATURE OFFERING YOU THE CHANCE TO LEAVE THIS MUNDANE PLANE OF EXISTENCE AND EMBRACE THE UNKNOWN, AND YOU’RE HESITATING BECAUSE I DON’T FIT YOUR PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS OF “BEAUTY” AS DEFINED BY GLOSSY MAGAZINE ADVERTS OR TRUE BLOOD OR WHATEVER.
YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET IT. I’M OUT OF HERE.
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I MEAN, YOU PROBABLY CAN’T IMAGINE IT BUT BACK THEN I ONLY WEIGHED LIKE … THREE? THREE AND A HALF POUNDS, TOPS. SLEEK FUR. ALL MUSCLE UNDERNEATH. PICK OF THE LITTER, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? AND I COULD CATCH ANYTHING THAT FLEW. BUGS. BIRDS. THAT LITTLE BALL OF FEATHERS ON A STRING ON A STICK. ANYTHING.
LOOK AT ME, BILLY. LOOK AT ME NOW. LOOK HOW LONG MY EAR HAIR IS. TRY TO FIND MY CHEEKBONES, I DARE YOU. I CAN’T EVEN CATCH MY OWN TAIL WHEN IT SURPRISES ME. THAT’S HOW SLOW I AM.
CATNIP WILL RUIN YOU, SON. YOU DON’T WANT TO START DOWN THAT ROAD. TAKE MY WORD FOR IT. YOU NEED TO STAY IN SCHOOL AND STAY AWAY FROM THAT DEVIL HERB.
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DANNY, MAN, YOU NEED TO PERK UP. IT’S A PARTY.
AT THE SAME TIME YOU NEED TO CHILL OUT, THOUGH. YOUR MOOD IS ONE OF PALPABLE TENSION AND IT’S MAKING EVERYONE ABOUT 12% LESS LOOSEY-GOOSEY THAN THEY SHOULD BE. WE CAN’T HAVE THAT. EVERYONE WANTS TO BE FULLY L-G.
SO, TO RECAP, YOU NEED TO FORGET ABOUT YOUR BREAKUP AND REMEMBER ABOUT PARTIES. PERKY BUT CHILL. INTO A GOOD TIME BUT OUT OF SHITS TO GIVE.
TAKE ME AS A PRIME EXAMPLE OF THE REQUIRED DICHOTOMY. UP TOP I’M ALL PARTY, HENCE THE HAT. DOWNTOWN WE FIND ME SO CHILLED OUT THAT I REFUSE TO USE MY LEGS AND HAVE KEVIN HERE CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE. THAT’S THE MOOD AND ATTITUDE WE’RE GOING FOR.
WOULD IT HELP IF I HAD KEVIN GRAB YOU A BURGER? HMMM? THEY’RE DYNAMITE. THEY’VE GOT CHORIZO IN THEM.
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OKAY, WELL, THANKS FOR LUNCH.
IT WAS REALLY GOOD SEEING YOU AGAIN. REALLY GOOD. I’VE MISSED YOU.
I MISSED YOU TOO.
SO MUCH.
…
…
…
…
OKAY, SERIOUSLY, I’VE GOT A PILATES CLASS AT 3. IT WAS NICE RUNNING INTO YOU.
IT WAS, WASN’T IT?
LET ME GO, DAN.
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M A “ONE-UPPER”?
I MEAN THAT YOU EXAGGERATE OR OUTRIGHT LIE, NOT ONLY TO MAKE YOURSELF SEEM FAR MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU ACTUALLY ARE, BUT ALSO OUT OF A MISGUIDED SPIRIT OF COMPETITIVENESS AND/OR ENVY. THAT YOU WILL NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO JUST ENJOY SOMEONE ELSE’S EXPERIENCES AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS BECAUSE IT ERRONEOUSLY MAKES YOU FEEL INFERIOR, SO YOU FABRICATE WIDLY IMPROBABLE TALES TO SUIT YOUR NEED FOR SITUATIONAL DOMINANCE. THAT IS WHAT I MEAN BY THAT.
I DON’T DO THAT.
I’D ARGUE, BUT I HAVE A DATE AT 5:30 AND I NEED TO GET READY.
WELL THAT’S FINE WITH ME, BECAUSE I HAVE TWO DATES AT 5:30.
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SEVEN YOUNG LADIES STAND BEFORE ME … BUT I ONLY HAVE SIX PHOTOS IN MY HANDS.
AND THESE PHOTOS … REPRESENT THE GIRLS … WHO ARE STILL IN THE RUNNING TOWARD BECOMING … AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL.
I’M KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY. NONE OF YOU ARE TALL ENOUGH FOR RUNWAY WORK, PLUS I DON’T HAVE HANDS. NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND GO PLAY IN THE YARD. I NEED TO TAKE A LITTLE NAP.
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[ARE THOSE PASTEL CHEVRON TIGHTS WITH SOME SORT OF CLUNKY ORTHOPEDIC SHOE?]
{MORE IMPORTANTLY, HAS SHE EVER HEARD OF SHAMPOO?}
[THAT WHOLE OUTFIT IS AN ABOMINATION. IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TRIED TO SMOTHER A FIRE MADE OF CLASHING PATTERNS WITH A BLANKET MADE OF NORTH FACE.]
{THE GREASE FROM HER HAIR APPEARS TO BE MAKING A WATERPROOF COATING ON THAT JACKET. LIKE WAXING COTTON, ONLY HORRIBLE.}
[I SWEAR THERE’S SOME SORT OF HEMP SHAWL IN THERE TOO.]
{ARE YOU SURE IT’S NOT JUST MORE MATTED HAIR?}
[IF WE WEREN’T LIMITED TO TELEPATHIC COMMUNICATION I’D CALL SOMEONE TO COME AND PUT A STOP TO THIS.]
{IT’S LIKE SHE CAN’T EVEN FEEL HER OWN HAIR. HOW CAN YOU NOT FEEL TENTACLES? THICK WEIRD TENTACLES.}