So - for the first time in a long time I am not part of a choir. Due to kid and husband schedules I can't make any of the community choirs work right now. It's not good. I really need singing. There's no release valve and those who know me know I don't just let my feelings out..at all..
Was part of a new church choir last year before that church experience had to end (church politics..was not willing to go through that in a new church).
Newest church we are trying has no choir.
Maybe next fall...
Thursday, February 06, 2020
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
Graduation
So - now that I know that there are a few of you out there...can I just say how much it sucks that Nathan isn't graduating in a few weeks? He didn't go to prom, he isn't going to college in the fall.
Instead I had a bizarre dream where he was alive - but not much older than he was and his doctor came over to try to figure out what he needed to do next for treatment and we were getting ready to go back to New York.
When he died I was warned his sisters would re-grieve at each of their own new developmental stages. I'm just now finding out how much hurt there is there...a simple act of having Julia come sit on my bed with me...she said she couldn't sit there after a minute because she was flashing back to the conversation we had on that bed when we told he he was going to die.
It just sucks.
Instead I had a bizarre dream where he was alive - but not much older than he was and his doctor came over to try to figure out what he needed to do next for treatment and we were getting ready to go back to New York.
When he died I was warned his sisters would re-grieve at each of their own new developmental stages. I'm just now finding out how much hurt there is there...a simple act of having Julia come sit on my bed with me...she said she couldn't sit there after a minute because she was flashing back to the conversation we had on that bed when we told he he was going to die.
It just sucks.
Monday, April 23, 2018
Changes
So by now surely there is no one left to read this post. As I have stated before I have felt less and less free to express myself publicly and so have stopped. On the other hand, I'm also getting sick of stifling issues that are important to me and pretending to be the person my social circle expects me to be.
I live in a conservative city, work and worship(ed) in a conservative church, hang out with mostly conservative people. This is fine. I have always valued diversity in opinion. I don't want to only be with people who think the same as I do. It just so happens I mostly hang out with people who think differently about many things...but there are still a ton of things we can agree on. Now - there have been times over the last few years when I have spoken out for what I believe in. I have been supported and I also have been yelled and finger pointed at.
I'm not going to get into specifics but over a period of time God has been helping to pave the way for our family to make changes. And as each little piece of the puzzle comes together I am amazed how it is all being worked out to be the least painful and most positive a change it could be. It's painful to leave my church family and my choir. I love the people and the choir unconditionally. You'd think it would be painful for my kids as well - and while it is hard to start over - they had already stopped wanting to participate in the youth program well before the final straw that caused us to not return to worship there.
So - I continue to trust that for every difficult aspect of this change there will be a positive aspect to offset it. So far, so good. I also have to trust that those we love and who love us will do so unconditionally and that this change will not cause a turning away. I guess I will see true friendship throughout this process as well.
Life is hard...so many hard things right now...in some ways changing churches right now makes it harder but it also feels like a weight lifted. I can only afford to be real right now. All the stuffing of feelings takes its toll after a while.
So - that is the tip of the iceberg for now...
I live in a conservative city, work and worship(ed) in a conservative church, hang out with mostly conservative people. This is fine. I have always valued diversity in opinion. I don't want to only be with people who think the same as I do. It just so happens I mostly hang out with people who think differently about many things...but there are still a ton of things we can agree on. Now - there have been times over the last few years when I have spoken out for what I believe in. I have been supported and I also have been yelled and finger pointed at.
I'm not going to get into specifics but over a period of time God has been helping to pave the way for our family to make changes. And as each little piece of the puzzle comes together I am amazed how it is all being worked out to be the least painful and most positive a change it could be. It's painful to leave my church family and my choir. I love the people and the choir unconditionally. You'd think it would be painful for my kids as well - and while it is hard to start over - they had already stopped wanting to participate in the youth program well before the final straw that caused us to not return to worship there.
So - I continue to trust that for every difficult aspect of this change there will be a positive aspect to offset it. So far, so good. I also have to trust that those we love and who love us will do so unconditionally and that this change will not cause a turning away. I guess I will see true friendship throughout this process as well.
Life is hard...so many hard things right now...in some ways changing churches right now makes it harder but it also feels like a weight lifted. I can only afford to be real right now. All the stuffing of feelings takes its toll after a while.
So - that is the tip of the iceberg for now...
Tuesday, November 07, 2017
Funny how the name rings true
I don't think I realized when I chose the name for this blog how much the name would continue to minister to me.
Here I am in a different stage of life than when I started this but still needing this reminder so much.
Here I am in a different stage of life than when I started this but still needing this reminder so much.
My life goes on in endless song
Above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear it's music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?
While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness 'round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?
When tyrants tremble in their fear
And hear their death knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near
How can I keep from singing?
In prison cell and dungeon vile
Our thoughts to them are winging,
When friends by shame are undefiled
How can I keep from singing?
Above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear it's music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?
While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness 'round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?
When tyrants tremble in their fear
And hear their death knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near
How can I keep from singing?
In prison cell and dungeon vile
Our thoughts to them are winging,
When friends by shame are undefiled
How can I keep from singing?
Life is tough these days. Parenting teens and preteens is much harder than I imagined. This is not to say that my daughters are difficult people. Not at all! Life is hard and their lives are hard. Trying to parent them and keep them safe and happy is very difficult. I never thought I would take the toddler days back...I would. I feel like I am in that storm the song refers to. I can't see through to the other side. I just hope for happy healthy kids at the end of the storm.
I'm in what they call the sandwich generation. My parents had me later in age. They have moved here. I don't feel at liberty to discuss their situation but I will say I am blessed to have them near and at the same time there are things about the situation that break my heart. Emotionally there are a lot of hard things right now. Not to mention Nathan should be in his senior year right now.
Luke and I did get away for a 20th anniversary trip to Mexico. It was amazing and exactly what we needed. We are going strong and thankful to have each other in this crazy life.
On a lighter note - I have one vegetarian and one gluten-free child so cooking has become a new challenge! There is also a swallowing issue going on so that limits the types of food as well. So far I think I am doing pretty well. I'm thinking about blogging some of my better recipes I have found - just for kicks.
That's all for now...we will see if I post again in the next year...
Monday, September 12, 2016
The Majesty and Glory of Your Name
I used to post about choir rehearsal. This past week we sung the so many good songs...I love it when they line up like that.
I thought I'd share one of them.
I thought I'd share one of them.
Thursday, September 01, 2016
September..again
I've always like the month of September. I was born in September. I got married in September. I love September weather.
One thing I currently don't love about September is that it is childhood cancer awareness month. That in itself is a good thing. I applaud all the awareness. I applaud friends and family who participate. I admire fellow childhood cancer moms who post something everyday. I marvel at fellow angel moms who post heart-wrenching photos and memories during September.
I am weary though. Everyday is childhood cancer awareness month for me. September means more constant reminders of it. It means when I am just benignly checking Facebook I see an image that hits too close to home. Last September Humans of New York did a month-long awareness campaign and highly successful fundraiser for Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. Just fabulous. Really hard for me. They showed images of Nathan's surgeon and interviewed him. They showed images from the outpatient floor. In one image you could see a hallway. I knew that hallway. That image of the hallway had a few strollers parked outside the curtains. Yes - I remember that. Sitting in that room behind the curtain watching some Sponge-Bob waiting for antibodies to begin. You'd get called into that room and hours would go by as you waited. Then the premeds, then the antibody. Then the dilauded and the pain. The screaming pain. Trying to do anything you could to help ease the pain. Hands on certain body parts..but then you couldn't move one muscle from that spot...bent over..in pain yourself. It's clear to me the pain medicine might have taken just a slight edge off but he had to meditate to deal...and once he was in that state no noises, movements or lights could occur. This - repeated behind many curtains. Toddlers screaming in pain. Then go home...drugged...and come back the next day to do it all again.
So - seeing that hallway brought all that back. It's a hard memory to live with. When you see your child in extraordinary pain over and over and over again and then they die a painful death...well...you can't let yourself think of it too often and still live your life.
So - September is hard. I hope those who are stronger than me or have an alive cancer kid can keep on posting. I just might not be on Facebook a whole lot this month.
One thing I currently don't love about September is that it is childhood cancer awareness month. That in itself is a good thing. I applaud all the awareness. I applaud friends and family who participate. I admire fellow childhood cancer moms who post something everyday. I marvel at fellow angel moms who post heart-wrenching photos and memories during September.
I am weary though. Everyday is childhood cancer awareness month for me. September means more constant reminders of it. It means when I am just benignly checking Facebook I see an image that hits too close to home. Last September Humans of New York did a month-long awareness campaign and highly successful fundraiser for Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. Just fabulous. Really hard for me. They showed images of Nathan's surgeon and interviewed him. They showed images from the outpatient floor. In one image you could see a hallway. I knew that hallway. That image of the hallway had a few strollers parked outside the curtains. Yes - I remember that. Sitting in that room behind the curtain watching some Sponge-Bob waiting for antibodies to begin. You'd get called into that room and hours would go by as you waited. Then the premeds, then the antibody. Then the dilauded and the pain. The screaming pain. Trying to do anything you could to help ease the pain. Hands on certain body parts..but then you couldn't move one muscle from that spot...bent over..in pain yourself. It's clear to me the pain medicine might have taken just a slight edge off but he had to meditate to deal...and once he was in that state no noises, movements or lights could occur. This - repeated behind many curtains. Toddlers screaming in pain. Then go home...drugged...and come back the next day to do it all again.
So - seeing that hallway brought all that back. It's a hard memory to live with. When you see your child in extraordinary pain over and over and over again and then they die a painful death...well...you can't let yourself think of it too often and still live your life.
So - September is hard. I hope those who are stronger than me or have an alive cancer kid can keep on posting. I just might not be on Facebook a whole lot this month.
Friday, August 19, 2016
9 years later
As you well know I have stopped blogging - for many reasons. For a long time blogging was so helpful to me. Then for a long time blogging felt unsafe. After that, maybe I wasn't sure what to say. Now I am feeling like I can start to form the words to describe my feelings again and I don't worry about how they will be taken or who will read them. So - we'll see..I'm going to try.
The thing about 9 years is that the pain is not so sharp as it once was. I'm still in pain and I still tear up almost daily but it does not drag me underwater and threaten to drown me the way it used to. I am acutely aware of what milestones we should be going through with Nathan. With Julia starting high school I wish more than anything she had her junior brother showing her the ropes...and driving her around. It sucks...to put it mildly.
But I am used to my life without Nathan so at least there is that. I'm familiar with it and it is my normal. Doesn't mean I like it but the loss doesn't permeate everything just some things and that makes life a little easier.
My family is really strong. I mean - I am amazed by that. We all went through our own and shared hell but here we are. Luke and I swore to each other on that diagnosis night, as we sat on the cold hard hospital floor not sleeping, that this would not destroy our marriage. I don't know how we knew to pledge this to each other but we did. Our marriage is strong. We are each other's best friend. We have born the same loss in different ways and we have grieved mostly in solitude, which is likely because of me. We have given grace to each other. We have grown stronger in our faith.
Our daughters are wonderful people. They are loving, smart, kind and they have a perspective many children do not; especially Julia. We all help each other in this house. We are a team. These girls are responsible and empathetic. I grew up not really seeing other people's emotions - especially not my parents. I didn't see my mother's weaknesses. These kids have seen that their parents are people too and that has made them better people. With my surgery that only increased. Who knew that being vulnerable and asking for help and being appreciative of that help could be good parenting...but somehow it has been.
I have more to say and I really, really intend to do so again soon. Don't hold your breath but I think I will keep writing for a while.
The thing about 9 years is that the pain is not so sharp as it once was. I'm still in pain and I still tear up almost daily but it does not drag me underwater and threaten to drown me the way it used to. I am acutely aware of what milestones we should be going through with Nathan. With Julia starting high school I wish more than anything she had her junior brother showing her the ropes...and driving her around. It sucks...to put it mildly.
But I am used to my life without Nathan so at least there is that. I'm familiar with it and it is my normal. Doesn't mean I like it but the loss doesn't permeate everything just some things and that makes life a little easier.
My family is really strong. I mean - I am amazed by that. We all went through our own and shared hell but here we are. Luke and I swore to each other on that diagnosis night, as we sat on the cold hard hospital floor not sleeping, that this would not destroy our marriage. I don't know how we knew to pledge this to each other but we did. Our marriage is strong. We are each other's best friend. We have born the same loss in different ways and we have grieved mostly in solitude, which is likely because of me. We have given grace to each other. We have grown stronger in our faith.
Our daughters are wonderful people. They are loving, smart, kind and they have a perspective many children do not; especially Julia. We all help each other in this house. We are a team. These girls are responsible and empathetic. I grew up not really seeing other people's emotions - especially not my parents. I didn't see my mother's weaknesses. These kids have seen that their parents are people too and that has made them better people. With my surgery that only increased. Who knew that being vulnerable and asking for help and being appreciative of that help could be good parenting...but somehow it has been.
I have more to say and I really, really intend to do so again soon. Don't hold your breath but I think I will keep writing for a while.
Friday, January 01, 2016
2015 in review
For posterity- a 2015 year in review.
January started with Luke's whole family here in Colorado. This doesn't happen often and was a blessing.
Lauren and Luke built a snowman
Fabulous trip to New Orleans to visit Aunt Annie
National Junior Honor Society
Lauren's school project
Camp with the cousins
Reunited!
Orchestra camp
County Fair
Our new dog - Pippin
First day of 8th grade
Hike and pictures with friends
Ninja Kids program for Lauren
New Year's Eve with neighbors
January started with Luke's whole family here in Colorado. This doesn't happen often and was a blessing.
The four of us went to Mueller state park and did some sledding
Julia turned 13!
In February Julia sung in the Colorado all-state middle school choir
We went skiing on a Friday and the nearby hot springs on Saturday. As you can see the weather was perfect! Snow one day and swimsuits the next...that's Colorado.
Lauren and Luke built a snowman
In March Lauren got to compete in a Rubik's cube competition
Julia played a cello solo at school
Lauren got the lift the Giraffe draw-bridge at the zoo
Children's choir spring concert
St. Patrick's day parade
Fabulous trip to New Orleans to visit Aunt Annie
Palm Sunday choir at church
In April Julia finished her massive latch hook rug
Easter eggs
Easter Sunday
Hospital selfie...emergency back surgery and rehab for me.
In May - crazy hail storm - that's not snow!
7th grade choir concert with all girl accompaniment on one of the songs
End of year handbell concert
National Junior Honor Society
We watched a nesting robin
Lauren's school project
In June - a trip to Lake Tahoe
Camp with the cousins
Reunited!
In July - a trip and family reunion to Hilton Head
Luke's birthday
Orchestra camp
County Fair
Our new dog - Pippin
In August - Luke performed with the Half Glass Full band
Luke and I saw the Foo Fighters!
First day of 4th grade
First day of 8th grade
Zoo trip
Cello performance
In September - day trip to Breckenridge
Hike and pictures with friends
In October - a day trip to see the colors...picnic and Bishop's Castle
Ninja Kids program for Lauren
Lauren's music program
School pictures
Julia and I went to North Carolina for a wedding
Halloween - an Ewok, Cello and Car Hop girl
In November - Lauren's party and 10th birthday
Snow fun
Thanksgiving trip to Illinois
In December we decorated the tree
Lauren had her 4/5th choir performance
Sung in annual Christmas Joy concert...Julia for the first time
Julia had her school orchestra concert
Dressed Pippen up
Star Wars!
Family music
Traditional frosted sugar cookies
Girls on Christmas Eve...they played their instruments for the Children's service and Julia and I sung 4 regular services
Christmas morning
Christmas Dinner with friends
New Year's Eve with neighbors
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